JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Frank Liberelli is convinced his life would have been better in the early 15th century after playing Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2, despite the fact he would have certainly perished before his tenth birthday, sources confirm.
“Frank got some new game on Steam and he won’t shut up about how great it must have been to live like a Bohemian in the Middle Ages,” says roommate Jeremy Hernandez.
“Dude’s got asthma and without his glasses he’s legally not allowed to drive. Does he really think he could fight off a thief while wearing 100 pounds of armor on horseback? Hell no. And that’s assuming he didn’t die of the Black Plague as a toddler, which he totally would have–I’ve never seen this guy wash his hands in the three years we’ve lived together.”
Still, Liberelli continues to pine for a medieval life.
“This game makes it clear I was meant to live in the era of potions and alchemy, not this wretched timeline run by Big Pharma and for-profit hospital conglomerates,” said Liberelli, who takes three medications each morning. “I yearn for heroic quests like Henry of Skalitz–my adventurous spirit alone would have kept me alive well into my sixties, methinks.”
Carla Liberelli, Frank’s mom, says there’s no use in trying to convince him otherwise.
“To be honest, my Franky has always been drawn to the fantastical. He used to think he would become a secret agent or Navy SEAL sniper when he grew up. But he’s deathly allergic to 27 different things, including grass. I told him the odds of getting selected for any job where he’d have to even touch grass at all were slim to none, but he never gave up hope.
At press time, Liberelli was busy daydreaming about hunting wild boar while eating an ultra-processed meal containing zero ingredients that were available in the 1400s.
