ORLANDO, Fla. — Local gamer Drake O’Connor reportedly keeps complaining about a mechanic in the first person shooter game Warfare Unleashed 3 in which characters die from just one knife slash, despite the fact that he would also die from just one knife slash.
“What the fuck is this bullshit?! How does my guy die from getting hit by the knife ONE TIME?” yelled O’Connor, who if he was ever slashed by a knife in a similar fashion to his in-game character, would almost instantly die. “It’s the dumbest mechanic ever, the devs have their fucking heads up their asses. It’s a KNIFE, not a flamethrower! It should take, I don’t know, ten fucking hits from the knife to kill me. It’s just completely fucking absurd! Least realistic game of all time.”
According to close sources, O’Connor’s girlfriend Chloe Madden finds her boyfriend’s situation annoying.
“I love Drake, but the constant complaining about knife mechanics in WU3 is driving me insane. It’s a melee attack. You gotta be close up to pull it off. It’s not a big deal,” Madden explained. “I’ve literally never heard Drake complain once about the fact that the knife makes you faster. Isn’t that unrealistic? No yelling about how you can get shot twice in the head, stand behind a wall, take some deep breaths, and regain your health. He’s just bad at melee attacks! If anything, it’s the most realistic part of the game. One time Drake got a papercut and fainted, hitting his head on the ground, so I had to drive him to the ER. No shame in that at all, but if he got stabbed, he’d be dead in like three minutes. One hit and he’s down.”
At press time, O’Connor was mugged by a local man with a knife, getting stabbed multiple times in the chest. Filled with righteous anger that he didn’t immediately die like in Warfare Unleashed 3, O’Connor tackled the mugger to the ground and took back his stolen cellphone, before being taken to the hospital.