PARAMUS, N.J. — High school sophomore Brian Wilkins found his social status in freefall after a humiliating incident in which he accidentally called his history teacher Samus, classmates have reported on social media.
“This is all being blown out of proportion! I stayed up late playing Metroid Prime last night so I have like, hours of Chozo lore in my head. That’s all this is. Plus, is history class not American lore? Is Miss Clemmons not the badass warrior woman leading us through ancient worlds? Fuck. I’m making it worse, aren’t I?” said Wilkins, shortly before locking his social media accounts. “All I wanted to ask was if I could use the bathroom. Now everyone is calling me ‘baby Metroid’ and asking if I’m going to crash my Orpheon into her impact crater. I don’t even want to see what people are going to write in my yearbook.”
Brain’s teacher Rebecca Clemmons wrote off the comment as a run-of-the-mill Freudian slip, but couldn’t help but admit the comment was odd.
“Being in a position of authority, my colleagues and I have all seen every Freudian slip under the sun. But I’m a 43-year-old cat mom from Philadelphia, so how he looked at me and saw an intergalactic space mercenary is beyond me. Still, it’s better than being called a dumb bitch by some little shithead like every other day,” said Clemmons. “Though I have to admit that after I looked up what Samus looked like, I might return that blue one-piece bathing suit I just bought.”
School psychologist Henry Abrams has found embarrassing misnomers involving video game characters and teachers becoming more rampant in recent years.
“Video games are so woven into the fabric of Gen Z’s upbringing that between playing games, watching people playing games, and being chronically online, the border between reality and fiction begins to blur. So it’s much more commonplace to see students unconsciously refer to educators as video game characters. The amount of kids I see come into my office after referring to the school librarian as Cortana is frankly shocking,” said Abrams. “While Mister Wilkins’ gaffe may be hard to live down, it’s not a life sentence. I wouldn’t be too concerned unless he’s putting hours and hours into maining Zero Suit Samus in Smash Bros. Then, we’d have to get the guidance counselor involved.”
Later in the day, Wilkins called his parents from the main office begging to transfer schools after calling the gym teacher Bayonetta.
