So, you’re looking to make more money? Do you think you deserve it? Are you sure? You better be, or you’ve already failed. Let’s walk through a few tactics you can employ to get yourself that healthy 20% raise you’re looking for. We’ll discuss confidence, negotiating, and timing out your boss’s movements so you can parry his attacks and do massive damage when he leaves an opening.
Preparation
It’s important to go into this as ready as you can be. Make sure you know exactly what you want to say and how to handle your boss in case they mix it up with some unexpected abilities or weapons. You have to know you deserve this raise and how much you’re worth ahead of time and you have to anticipate what they might say to throw you off. Bring with you some quick wits, health potions, and if you have time to explore Old Gregor Strombringer’s tomb, bring with you the Cursed Sword of the Baphomet.
Start Strong and Don’t Relent
It’s important to get off to a good start with this type of negotiation. They say never be the first one to speak, and that’s usually true. It’s possible to get in some quick jabs while they’re monologuing or going on about cutbacks in the company’s budget. Nothing gets an encounter off on the right foot like dealing some early damage on your foe.
If you do choose to speak first, just make sure you lay out how crucial you are to the company and how it’s important to you that the company shows they appreciate you with appropriate compensation. And if they refuse, counter by you’ll splitting your boss in two and taking their legendary armor hidden in a chest in their office.
Anticipate Tense Negotiation
Your boss may tell you things like, “We’re all a family here,” or, “My employees are more like friends than anything else,” but these are distractions and lies. Stay focused: your boss is your enemy here and possibly again two or three more times later in your career, bigger and scarier, and possibly with wings or big scary horns and fangs.
They may counter with a number smaller than you had in mind or worse, they may not want to give you a raise at all. Worst case scenario, they’ll move into their second phase and possibly introduce an aerial threat or minions of some sort into the fight.
You have to stay on your toes and be prepared to counter back with evidence why you’re right and they’re wrong. Try and stagger them with your words so you can move in and get some big combos on them. If you’re lucky, you can just cheese them and beat that raise out of them without breaking a sweat.
The Big Finish
You’re almost there just keep the pressure on ‘em! Don’t relent. If they tell you they need some time to think about it, they’re lying. They’re just trying to buy them some time to pound a couple health potions or put up some sort of dome shield around themselves to block your attacks. Keep hitting them and try to maximize your damage output. You don’t leave that office until you’re making a king’s ransom or your boss lies dead beneath your feet.
You’ve timed their animations. You’ve studied all their moves. You’ve almost bled them completely dry. For every time they cut you with a, “No,” or an, “I need to talk it over with the board,” you hit them with a slice of your very big cursed sword. Really go to town on ‘em, they’ll give you what you want or die.
Success!
Congratulations! If you’ve followed this guide correctly, you’ve either gotten that sweet 20% raise you set out for when you started reading this, or you’ve seized the means of destruction and defeated your boss in combat. Either way it’s a victory for you. Just remember to get that sick loot and watch out for any of your bosses remaining lackeys who may be bold enough to demand a raise themselves.
Stay tuned for our next guide, where we’ll discuss how to stop harassment in the workplace with violent retribution!
