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How to Dress for Your Body Type as a Balrog Living in the Dark, Damp Mines of Moria

Struggling to find the right style for your body type as a Balrog living in the dark, damp mines of Moria? Been there, done that. So look no further — this handy guide will help you dress to impress! You deserve to feel confident whether you’re dueling Gandalf “Miss Thing” the Grey, laying low in the Misty Mountains, or simply watching the goblin girlies flee at your presence. It’s time to reach your full potential and serve looks at every twist and turn, honey!

Always Make A Statement

It’s easy to go unnoticed as a demon slumbering amongst the ancient ruins of a once-mighty Dwarven kingdom. Let’s face it, you’re consistently surrounded by black smoke and shadows, so your first focus should be on a wardrobe that stands out. You encapsulate power and terror, so dress like it, babes! Don’t be afraid to sport the bones of your enemies with a cute statement necklace or fashion the flesh of the undead into a trendy pair of ballet flats.

Work With What You’ve Got

When you’re attempting to dress a beefy bod that’s twice the height of men or elves, it can seem completely hopeless fitting into a pair of skinny jeans. Especially when you’ve been lying dormant for 5,000 years! Instead of constricting and unflattering pieces that may or may not fit after a few millennia, try more forgiving items like ponchos or wrap dresses made of hides and sinew. Remember, you’ve still got a tight tush even if the last time you visited a gym was a few hundred centuries ago.

Choose An Appropriate Color Palette

You’ve been described as having luscious golden locks that look like a “streaming mane set ablaze.” This is what everyone else is trying (and failing) to achieve at the salon for $400 or more. Paired with your yellow eyes and red tongue, these dramatic features will pop with gold and silver accents. Good news—precious metals will be easy for you to find since you’ve been girlboss gatekeeping priceless mithril in the mines of Moria for thousands of years! Love this for you!

Accessorize To Your Heart’s Desire!

You might think a fiery whip is just too extra. WRONG! Whips and swords enveloped in flames have been seen all over the runway this season, and you’re gonna be the style icon who uses them for both form and function. Go off, Middle-Earth Chloe Sevigney!! I see you on the cover of Teen Shire. Consider dipping your accessory handles in orc’s blood for a bright blue glow that lets everyone in the club know, “I won’t ever stop poppin’ this Balrog-ussy!”

Save The Planet With Eco-Friendly Fashion

Bald is beautiful, and so is Gollum. This former hobbit can teach us a LOT about sustainable fashion. Yes, he might only be wearing a tiny piece of cloth from an old potato sack to cover his shriveled “eye of Sauron” and yes, he might be talking to himself in the shadows, but this decrepit queen is at the height of her reduce-reuse-recycle era. Instead of falling victim to fast fashion, this diva sticks to a capsule wardrobe that lasts for centuries. Okay, so a bob and a spray tan would do Gollum wonders, but we have to admire him for his conscious fashion choices. Try following in his footsteps by repurposing discarded Dwarf robes into a chic summer scarf or bonnet. Just make sure you don’t start referring to yourself in the third person, or bludgeoning passersby with blunt objects because they just “looks like they wantses our ring.”

No Horizontal Stripes

This advice is as old as Treebeard the Ent, but listen, if you want to snag a zaddy like Aragorn, you’re going to have to ditch the horizontal stripes. We don’t want anyone mistaking a bodacious Balrog like yourself for some common town troll. Instead, opt for patterns and bold colors—we suggest taking notes from literally any Elf. These hot and horny, bi-curious babes are always fashion forward, and you wouldn’t catch any of them of DEAD in horizontal stripes. Think about it—they’re rocking jewel tones, paisley, and fur like they invented it. And yes, they might be wearing something from 4,000 years ago, but you know it’s going to slay for 4,000 more.

Stay Vacation Ready

We know you’ll eventually be taking a much-needed vacay to Rivendell with your master, macho man-Morgoth, and we’re gonna make sure you’re dressed for the occasion! This place is Middle-Earth’s version of Greece, so there’s no playing around—you’re gonna need a one piece bathing suit and a bigass floppy hat that says “I just did a baby foreskin facial.” You are gonna LOVE the waterfalls, lush forest, and 5-star white linen bed sheets that people seem to wake up in after being attacked by Shaq-sized spiders.

Don’t Forget to Bring The Confidence

“You shall not pass?” More like, “You shall not pass that *ss up!” These style tips truly say, “I’m not just a balrog—I’m that b1tch!” So polish those horns and swipe on some lip gloss, miss musty dusty! It’s your time to shine.