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How King Henry VIII Became the World’s First Gamer by Rerolling Pregnancy Until He Got a Child With Good Stats

Anyone who has read the Wikipedia page for King Henry VIII knows that he “was King of England from 1509 until his death in 1547.” However, one thing that is not mentioned anywhere on Wikipedia (because the admins keep deleting it every time I try to add it) is that Henry VIII also became the world’s first gamer after rerolling pregnancy until he got a child with good stats. 

Some readers might be surprised by this, considering that the Wikipedia page for video games says that the first video game, ”a Cathode ray tube Amusement Device,” had its patent filed in 1947. So, you might ask, how could Henry VIII be the first gamer if the first video game was not created until exactly 400 years after his death? It’s simple: being a gamer is not explicitly about playing video games. It is a state of mind; a worldview, if you will. And nothing says “I am a gamer” more than someone who keeps grinding out pregnancy attempts until they get one with perfect stats.

His first marriage to Catherine of Aragon resulted in six pregnancy rolls beginning in 1510, all of which were garbage. Only one survived, but it had the “Female” modifier, which would be fine today, but back then was not considered top tier.

After nine more years of attempts, Henry VIII finally rolled a child with the “Male” modifier in June of 1519. However, this was with his mistress, so the child had the “Bastard” perk which made him basically unplayable. At this point, King Henry realized that his wife had a bad RNG seed and decided he had to start fresh.

His first pregnancy with his next wife, Anne Boleyn, which resulted in a “Female” roll again. Henry kept trying two more times, and both those were miscarriages. At this point, Henry became incredibly frustrated, and did the olden times equivalent of throwing his controller at the screen (beheading his wife).

Finally, in 1537, he married Jane Seymour and got that natural crit roll he had been searching for: a healthy baby boy who didn’t die immediately and wasn’t a bastard. That boy would later be crowned King Edward VI at the age of nine years old, making him comparable to today’s competitive eSports champions, who are as young as they are powerful.

As the world’s first gamer, Henry VIII paved the way for all of us. He was not only the King of England, but he remains the original King of Gamers to this day. I know it, now you know it, and maybe, after I cite this article as a source, the admins of Wikipedia will know it as well.

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