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Here’s the Review We Would Write if We Could Play Helldivers 2

The wait is over! Helldivers 2 is here and we’re proud to serve our readers a timely, detailed review of the game – despite the fact we’ve been completely unable to play it. Naturally, we can’t let the game’s unexpected popularity, server issues, or needing to change up your BIOS settings get in the way of our journalistic duty to bring our readers a well-researched, informative review. Based on our experience with the game, here’s our take:

Helldivers 2 seems to be a game.

According to Google, it’s a “Shooter Game,” by Arrowhead Game Studios. It has around 450,000 concurrent players, of which we certainly weren’t included. Most shooters have guns, so we feel pretty comfortable assuming that. There’s a few on the cover, anyway. You use that gun (guns?) to shoot big bugs. Oh, and it’s third person. It’s also (probably?) the highly anticipated sequel to Helldivers 1, I assume – otherwise the name is crazy.

The story is a bit lacking. Or maybe it’s great. The bugs look like the bad guys. Maybe you’re the bad guy. The opening cutscene was funny – a tongue-in-cheek tone similar to Starship Troopers, which added some great comedic relief before we couldn’t dive right in.

Look, can I be honest with you? That’s basically all I got. I’m trying here. And we need the SEO juice of being first, so this article has to go up. Please just keep reading or maybe comment below what the game is like so I can fix my review. Ok, let’s get back to it.

We’re happy to report that the error screen you get when the servers are full is aesthetically pleasing and easy on the eyes. The font is legible, and a helpful timer sits just underneath, letting you know when it will retry to connect, which is perfect for folks who can’t play. Like us.

The timer usually counts down to zero then just restarts. A bit of a grind but also somewhat thrilling always imagining if this will be the time you get in.

It won’t be.

Overall, Helldivers 2 is a fun, chaotic co-op romp through space, we guess. That’s what we’re told. You might like it! Heck, it could just be okay. Or maybe it’s bad. That seems unlikely though? It’s hard to say, really. We’ve heard the devs are working on it 24/7. Must be a software problem. If there was a timeout for idle players sitting in their ships so they don’t have to worry about getting back in, we could deliver something more informative and well-rounded, but there isn’t, so this is the best we’ve got.

See you on the battlefield eventually, fellow Helldiver! For democracy! (That seems to be something people who get into the game say when they come out of it.)

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