TOKYO, JAPAN — Online communities are buzzing with the heartwarming story that Mario is reportedly still letting Sonic believe that they’re in any kind of real competition.
In a recent interview SEGA executive Osamu Ohasi was quoted saying; “Simply put, I want Sonic to surpass Mario,” before taking another fat hit off the world’s biggest bong. “Sonic was originally developed to compete with Mario, but our goal is really to have Sonic beat Mario, and we believe that day could be right around the corner,” Ohasi continued.
Putting his extremely large bong down to try and regain his eyesight, Ohasi explained; “that’s why we keep hiring the same people who made the bad Sonic games to keep doing that over and over again. Sure Sonic Mania was a hit, but have you ever heard that theory about monkeys and typewriters and Shakespeare? I’m confident these guys will crack the code eventually, and we’ll have our Hamlet. I bet it’ll involve the Werehog somehow!”
When asked about SEGA execs’ push to have Sonic surpass him, Mario was unsurprisingly humble.
“I like-a-Sonic! It’s-a-good when he goes fast!” he said in a somewhat muted tone. “If-a-the SEGA men want him to beat me, that will be fun! We’re-a-doing the olympics again soon, and even though I’ve won every single event in the past 15 years, maybe this could be his year!”
When asked about Sonic’s inability to defeat Mario even in events that he should excel at like the 100m sprint, Mario again played it down. “When you run that fast for that long, I think-a-your legs start to give out. Pace-a-yourself, Sonic! Then you’ll have more energy to practice your hammer throw! Wahoo!”
Mario continued to make concessions for Sonic’s inability to outperform him in any task, including downplaying reports of his poor performance in bed; stating that it’s a testament to his impressive speed that he’s able to finish that quickly.
