Twitch has made a controversial change to its terms of service, allowing for nudity on the platform. However, this nudity is limited to “artistic nudity” which has raised the question, of what separates art from smut. Hard Drive is here to help with some tips and tricks to help you bring some artistry to your naughty bits streams.
Prominently Display Your Fine Arts Degree
All those years of reading Proust and pretending to know the difference between cubism and futurism are finally going to pay off. Just throw your hard-earned degree in a frame next to your Funko Pop collection and your golden. How can anyone dispute what you’re doing is art if you literally have an official document saying you know about art?
Just Keep Asking “What Is Art?”
In our post-modern society art is really concerned with interrogating what art is. Good artists do this subtly. On Twitch you can probably just say “Modcheck art am I right?”
Be A Literal Piece Of Art
Sentient pieces of art have long been excluded from Twitch due to its regressive nudity rules. Michelangelo’s David has suffered in obscurity for too long. Now he can finally step out of the shadows to pursue his goal of becoming an influencer. He just wants to play Lethal Company with Pokimane.
Cut Off Your Own Ear
Vincent Van Gogh famously cut off his own ear in an argument with Paul Gauguin. Prop up your artistic street cred by chopping a body part off during a heated Fortnite lobby. No one’s going to question if you’re really an artist when you’re rocking the Van Gogh bandage look.
Use Props
Getting your dick out on camera isn’t art, but what if the dick is in a hot dog bun? Now it’s a statement on processed food. That’s art baby.
Ask Ninja For Approval
This one only applies to female streamers, but you should simply ask Tyler “Ninja” Blevins for permission to use nudity on your streams. Almost all decisions made by female streamers should be run by Ninja first. Twitch has nothing but respect for Ninja’s decisions regarding how women should behave.
Only Get Partial Erections
If you’re hanging dong on stream there’s a fine line between artistry and pornography. The standard agreement with Twitch allows for 50% of maximum hardness, though some select partners are allowed up to 70% erection based on previously negotiated contracts.
Pose Like Rose In Titanic
If you pose like you’re being painted by Jack in Titanic it becomes a film homage and is automatically artistic. This applies to other famous nude scenes as well. Some other movies with famous nude scenes you could imitate include Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Basic Instinct, and Antichrist.
Be European
Twitch is based in America and Americans think all Europeans are artsy by default. If you have a French accent you can do pretty much anything you want and dumb Americans will be amazed. Note that Americans do not consider the UK part of Europe.
Get A Bear Skin Rug
One of the easiest ways to uplift your nudity is to stream from a bear skin rug. It worked for Burt Reynolds and it’ll work for you. If you have any doubts throw a fireplace in the background for good measure.
Play Video Games With Your Junk
Twitch is fairly synonymous with gaming. Just because you’re streaming nude that doesn’t mean you’re going to give up on playing games. Incorporate your nudity into the gameplay. Click heads with your dickhead. Beat Dark Souls with your butt hole. The possibilities are endless.
Splash Some Paint On Your Body
Pay homage to a more traditional art form by slapping some paint on your naked body and calling yourself a living canvas. Artsy people eat shit like that up. If you’re talented you can draw some designs on your body, but if not just splash it on. There’s nothing in the rules that says it has to be good art.
Be Aggressively Weird
Being weird and abrasive is a great way to trick corporations into thinking you’re artistic. Even if nothing about your naked Call of Duty session speaks to the human condition, if you’re quirky enough it will still come across as performance art. Speak in Elizabethan English for no reason, do bad improvised dances, or punctuate your kills with random snaps.
Legally Change Your Name To Art
If you’re named Art, all of your nudity is Arty. Maybe you’re lucky enough to already be named Art, but most of you will have to change your name for this loophole. It’s fairly easy and cheap to change your name in most states. It’s well worth the cost to be able to show your community your taint live.
Be Hot
The difference between “naked weirdo” and “nude model” is mostly a matter of being hot. If people want to see you naked they’ll be happy to call you standing naked in front of a green screen art. Leave the clever tricks to the uggos.
Make Vaguely Liberal Political Comments
Everyone knows real art is for revolutionary leftists. Make vague references about the carbon imprint of the fashion industry and people will take your nudity as politically charged art. Own those fascist MAGATs by showing your nips.
Make Vaguely Conservative Political Comments
‘Everyone knows real art comes from salt-of-the-earth conservatives. Make vague references to freedom of speech and people will take your nudity as politically charged art. Own those commie libs by showing your nips.
Put On A Dumb Mask
From KISS to Shia LeBeouf, every hack artist knows if you want to seem like an edgy outsider you just have to cover your face. Anything from face paint to a rubber mask will do the trick and the dumbest people in the world will call you a genius. It’s also guaranteed to bring in some weirdo fetish views.
Recreate Video Game Nudity
Now that the “are games art” argument has been settled it stands to reason that recreating video games must also be art. Go wild acting out your favorite nude scenes from video games. Sorry, Twitch, but if Genital Jousting is art so is my gay orgy with the guys who used to be in Achievement Hunter.
Be A Top Twitch Streamer
Let’s be honest, if you’re making Twitch enough money they don’t care what you do.
