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Hand-Washing Speedruns Condemned by World Health Organization

ATWATER, Ohio — Following a recent days-long conference focused on the COVID-19 outbreak held in Helsinki, Denmark, members of the World Health Organization have officially condemned all submissions, both present and future, made to the hand-washing speedrun community.

“We here at the World Health Organization have officially set the recommended time of washing your hands to at least 20 seconds long,” explained WHO Board member Dr. Maria Rubio. “You can take 21 seconds long, or even 22 seconds long if you wish. But right now, the minimum is set at 20 seconds. No less than that, please.”

While some find this decision to be a progressive step towards a safer, healthier world, many in the handwashing speedrun community were outraged.

“This honestly couldn’t have come at a worst time for us. We just had the official rules revised for the 8th time since the community was established in 2011,” said Noah Murphy, 17, a longtime participant in handwashing speedruns who currently holds the fastest Two Hands No Dry record of 4.31 seconds. “We finally got a rule in there that your hands had to at least touch the water, and we finally got bars of soap banned entirely. It was going to be a really great year for the community.”

Murphy had hopes of branching out into other facets of competitive washing, including Full Body Runs and was even toying with the notion of entering the blitzkrieg scene of Just Rinsing The Dick Off Your Hands runs.

“These competitions need to be halted indefinitely,” said Rubio. “We will get back to normal life if we fight this together. In the meantime, maybe these speedwashers can just enjoy the act of washing their hands and maybe reflect on why it is they are so devoted to mastering this activity?”

As of press time, Murphy, along with many others displaced by the WHO’s decision, have found a new sense of belonging among the welcoming participants of the recently founded ass-wiping speedrun community.

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