EREBUS — It’s well known that the residents of the underworld and Olympus are all impressive when it comes to combat. But that’s not the reason we play Hades II. Or…not the only reason, at least. Let’s get down to brass tacks, folks: which one of these stupidly sexy mythological motherfuckers would make for the most tender, caring and giving romantic partner? We know you’ve thought about it at least once (I mean, look at you), and here at Hard Drive we live for such groundbreaking journalism as this. As such, we’ve taken the liberty of breaking it down for you. All of this is objective fact and we promise we are not biased in any way.
12. Narcissus
I mean, this one’s pretty obvious, right? It’s in the name. There’s no way this chiseled hunk could give two phantom shits about anyone other than himself. He’s literally where the term narcissism comes from…and that does extend to the bedroom. You think this guy is going to gently caress your skin like silk, or look into your eyes until your very spirits begin to merge? Get real.
11. Eris
Woof, that haircut. Bark, bark– sorry, that was unbecoming of me. Eris, daughter of Nyx, is strife incarnate, and she usually behaves like a spoiled brat for most of the game. She’s mischievous, which can be hot under the right circumstances, but she’s not mature enough for you and you know it. Tender? Caring? She doesn’t know those words. We’ve all dated someone like her at some point, right?
10. Nemesis
As the living personification of retribution, this hot tamale is cold-blooded, and would likely only have time for a quickie before going back to making Melinoë’s life more interesting. She’d just be looking to come and go, y’know? And she’d probably laugh in your face if you asked her for quality time together. But my gods, look at that wide stance. Those arms, her forearm shield…you know what? Let me stop.
9. Hecate
Hecate is the goddess of witchcraft and doorways, among other things, and while that might sound kind of hot on paper, in reality it would probably amount to having more spells cast on you than you’d like. She’s a mentor to Melinoë, so she is capable of being caring, but a gentle lover? I’m having a hard time seeing it. Those abs are mighty impressive, though.
8. Heracles
Ooh, big strong arms, protruding pecs, and a lion’s mane around his head? Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Well, yeah – the man is quite literally all brawn and no brains. He’s rugged, sure, but he’s always cold to Melinoë, and if that’s how he treats the princess of the underworld, you think he’s giving you the time of day? He wouldn’t even hold your hand or cuddle under the blanket while watching a shitty Netflix rom-com. Next!
7. Moros
Ok, now here’s where things start to get interesting. Moros is Doom incarnate, and while you might think that’s the last thing you’d want as a partner, he’s actually quite gentle once you get to know him. He’s polite, he’s cordial, he has a sense of manners. He’d probably ask for permission before going down on you. I know, I know: the bar is in Tartarus.
6. Hermes
Sure, the messenger god of commerce and travel might finish fast, but take that as a compliment, right? He’s just so excited to be with you in the first place. I mean, look at those devious eyes. That man has plans within plans for your evening, and could dart to Athens and back in the blink of an eye to bring you a bouquet of peonies. Just don’t expect him to still be there in the morning.
5. Artemis
A gentle ally to Melinoë throughout the game, Artemis may be the goddess of the hunt, but she’s also more quiet and reserved than you might expect. She’d definitely be down for a nice, relaxing stroll through the woods with you – a quality time queen! And she’s probably a low-key dom, too, with that bow perched on her shoulders the way it is. She knows her way around a mortal body. Something, something…Pressure Points?
4. Apollo
The biggest twink on Mount Olympus, Apollo would let you gently comb his golden locks, run your hands over his light-producing abs, and allow you to ride across the sky together in his chariot. Now that’s a first date! This man is literally a god of music, dance, poetry…imagine an ode written by him. Sploosh. You really can’t do much better when it comes to tender men!
3. Odysseus
Ok, I know I just said you can’t do much better than the literal god of light, but you have to give it to Odysseus: the man was at sea for ten years, he knows a thing or two about…taking his time, let’s say. For a legendary hero, he’s also one of the most normal people in Erebus. He’s bashful when Melinoë disrobes in the bath…if only someone reacted like that to me taking off my clothes! Sure, he may be a serial cheater, but this isn’t a list of how faithful they’d be, damn it! He’d show you a good time, and would treat you right, for as long (or short) of a time as that may be.
2. Aphrodite
Come on now. The Olympian goddess of love, sex and beauty herself? She knows every trick in the book, and knows just how you like it, you little freak. She’s got skin as smooth as satin and her love language is all of the love languages at once – she’d be generous, loving, appreciative of your nectar and ambrosia and willing to return the favor. It’d be a romance as incomparable as… a thing that you can’t compare something to! There would be paintings depicting her gentle touch on your unworthy mortal thighs. Well, until Ares walked in the door, that is.
1. Selene
Selene, Selene, SELENE MY QUEEN! She’s the literal Moon, for Zeus’s sake! Look at those kind eyes, that flowing dress, that hair! Selene is nothing but kind and affectionate, like the radiant light of the moon itself. She also has a fun side and craves a little adrenaline now and then. She’d be supportive of your ambitions, your desires, your bedroom kinks, and on top of it all, she’s a great listener and would probably be a great gift-giver too. You think you could find a more giving, tender lover? You’re dreaming even harder than Hypnos, my friend.
So there you have it, our definitive list that we definitely didn’t put any thought into at all. We hope we’ve helped you fantasize just a little bit harder about your ideal love life while playing the game. That’s what we’re here for, after all.
