NEW YORK — A local man with maxed-out luck assumes he must possess very high charisma, but that belief is mistaken, sources confirm.
“Yeah, I’m pretty good at charming people into doing what I want and giving me stuff. Like my boss — he’s already promoted me twice and gave me a huge bonus, even though I just started this year. Honestly, I’m still not even sure what my job is,” said Jeff Vermeer, 27, an associate at the law firm Vermeer, Vermeer & Vermeer. “Guess he just really likes me.”
Vermeer claimed his strong communication skills have made up for weaknesses in other areas, including intelligence and strength.
“I had pretty bad grades in high school, and I didn’t play sports, but I still got into Yale by really nailing my interview with the alumni director, who happened to go there with my dad. I talked to him for like five minutes before he said I was a ‘fine young man’ who would ‘fit in great’ on campus,” Vermeer said, reaching down to pick up a $100 bill he spotted on the sidewalk. “Guess that guy was no match for my trademark charisma.”
Others disagreed with Vermeer’s assessment, like Katie Bingham, who went on a very brief Tinder date with him last month.
“I was just looking for something casual, so I figured why not—I mean, the guy is 6’8” with piercing eyes, great hair, and one of the best jawlines I’ve ever seen,” said Bingham, who has not spoken to him since. “I ended up fake laughing at his awful jokes for like 30 minutes until I decided it wasn’t worth it and went home. Dude is lucky he looks like that.”
Vermeer was last seen at Starbucks trying to talk down the price of a latte, which to his surprise did not work at all.