ST. PETERSBERG, Fla. — Local virtual criminal and high schooler Kevin Kant can make his way from Paleto Bay to South Los Santos Pier without opening his eyes, but can’t get to his friend’s house just down the street without Google Maps, multiple sources have confirmed.
“The real car shit just feels weird to me, I don’t know,” said Kant, looking away from his monitor to respond to us while managing to still obey all traffic laws within Grand Theft Auto V. “It’s like, if I spend 3,000 hours doing one thing, but zero hours doing another, which one do you think I’m gonna excel at? Maybe I’d be better at IRL driving if I could get out of the car at any time and kill innocent people indiscriminately, like in GTA, but I can’t. Maybe if I were a cop or something.”
Kant’s driving instructor, Rufus Turner, is baffled at the boy’s sheer ineptitude behind an actual wheel.
“I’m out of moves. He gets in the car and just starts crying,” said Turner, also crying. “He says he can’t see properly because ‘The monitor is like 144p.’ I think he’s talking about the windshield. The boy clearly needs glasses for distance, and maybe a psychologist for good measure. Then I try to have him just drive around the neighborhood and he insists on using his phone, even to practice left turns around the block. This kid is gonna need every break he can get out there in the real world. Maybe he should become a cop or something.”
Kant’s childhood best friend, Blaine Yang, is well aware of the disparity between his navigational skills in real life and video games.
“When we were kids, Kevin used to do this amazing bit when we were walking around the neighborhood where he pretended to think we were lost,” said Yang. “But now I realize he was just getting lost on the commute home from school every single day. No way he gets very far in this world. He’s probably gonna end up being a cop or something.”
As of press time, Kant is considering a move to Los Angeles so he can drive in the city his favorite game is based on and actually kind of know where some things are, maybe.