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Guy Playing Flight Simulator Almost As Drunk As Real Pilot

PHILADELPHIA — Local gamer Stephen Moore successfully simulated a flight from Courchevel to London City while drinking from a large bottle of grain alcohol.

“In the past year, I’ve logged 1100 hours and over 9,000 cocktails,” Moore told reporters. “My doctor says I have the liver of a Pan-Am pilot.”

For many years, flight simulators were nothing more than simple video games. However, as the technology has continued to advance, flight simulators have now enabled everyday gamers like Stephen to fly drunk at a near professional level. Of course, not everyone agrees.

“People playing flight simulators may think they have the drinking skills to pilot an airplane, but they’re underestimating the vast quantity of training and alcohol that’s actually required,” said 17-year veteran pilot Steve Halligan.

“Mock jocks like that can’t hold their liquor when it really matters,” he continued. “They don’t know what it’s like to hit a goose at 30,000 feet after seven mai tais and some bad fish. Next thing you know, you’ve got a jet full of goose feathers and there are cocktail umbrellas all over the place. You don’t understand what that’s like until you’ve spent a decade working for Spirit Airlines.”

Moore, on the other hand, disagrees.

“I’d argue that simulators are more difficult to pilot drunk because the buttons are smaller and there’s no one to wake you up if you pass out,” he said. “I also think they can be an invaluable training tool. Providing aspiring pilots with an opportunity to refine their skills, practice emergency procedures, and fill time while their bodies metabolize alcohol. Which, at the end of the day, is really the best part of flying.”

As of press time, a drunken Moore excused himself to the bathroom to go “join the mile high club, if you know what I mean.”