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Guy Chewed Out By Mr. Resetti Morning After Suicide Attempt

DEWEYS ISLAND —  Local man Dewey McCormick woke up shocked the morning after his attempted suicide, when he was reportedly greeted and screamed at by angry mole man Mr. Resetti. 

“Yeah, I yelled at the kid. Whaddya expect?” explained dirt-covered Resetti. “You think when things get hard, you can just hit the game over button, punk? No, you can’t. You can’t go through life taking the easy way out, you gotta face your problems head on, like me. You think I like digging these holes? No!!! If I took the easy way out, I’d be crawling around on the surface with you freaks. Neither of us wants that. Let me help you find a good therapist!!!”

According to those familiar with the situation, McCormick was happy for the wake-up call from Resetti.

“I think it was exactly the kind of tough love I needed,” McCormick said. “I’ve been struggling a lot recently. Bees fall out of every tree I shake, I can’t get a good HHA rating and oh yeah. I’m super in debt to Tom Nook. We’re talking a lot of bells; it’s actually so bad, I thought Mr. Resetti was a debt collector when I first saw him.”

“Resetti was really helpful, though,” McCormick continued. “He told me, ‘Life is supposed to have challenges, kid. No Mario without Goombas, no Zelda without weird convoluted puzzles, no quitting until Tom gets his money.’ That really stuck with me. These days I’m doing better; I go down to the beach and collect shells, I plant flowers, and I even got a shovel, so I can start digging money up out of the ground to pay off my debt.”

Resetti insisted, however, that he just wanted to help McCormick.

“Look, what you gotta understand is, Tom runs this whole show. He needs to get paid,” Resetti said, glancing over at his brother Don. “If Tom goes down, we all go down. Them’s the breaks. But, yeah, I just wanted to help the kid. He seems like a good egg, and what I told him is true. There’s no quittin’ in this life, even if your mug is as ugly as his. People love and care about you. Now, SCRAM.”

When reached for comments, Nook Inc. had only this to say: “Oho, that’s simply the cost of doing business, hmmm?”

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