HEAVEN – In a desperate plea to get gamers into pews, the Almighty Father has announced double XP for all churchgoers this upcoming Easter weekend.
“I’ve teamed up with priests and bishops across the world to bring this exclusive event to a chapel near you!” God bellowed as a beam of sunshine through a cloudy sky.
After failing to entice gamers with the Ash Wednesday/Pokemon collaboration, the catholic church seems to be pivoting. 50% off Gbucks, 25% off the entire store, and double XP all weekend, headlining the religion’s celebration of Jesus Christ’s resurrection.
“This might be the biggest sale Catholicism has ever seen,” says Father Robert Ducca from Detroit. “Parishioners can redeem the Body of Christ during every service for double Jesus points, which can be used to buy Legendary Rosary Skins, Hail Mary Lootboxes, or the ultra rare Our Father Fast Pass!”
Even Atheist gamers are intrigued by the Moses level value at Judas level prices, while longtime believers feel God’s latest announcement turned ‘pray to win’ into ‘pay to win.’
“I was never much of a church guy,” says local gamer, Anthony Wright, “but that Pope Benedict XVI skin in the shop looks dope as heaven!”
Longtime churchgoer Loretta Montgomery is disappointed by her local church’s involvement in the event, “I don’t recognize the parish I grew up in. Just last week our priest took an ad break in the middle of his homily to talk about NordVPN. And now he expects us to say ‘gg’ instead of ‘Amen’? Lord have mercy.”
While God was happy to explain all the new microtransactions being introduced, he failed to answer other questions like “When is the second coming of Christ?” or “What is the meaning of life?” or “When will we finally resume our holy crusade to cleanse the world of those who would speak against you and spread our one true religion to the nonbelievers?”
At presstime, worshiper’s who purchase the exclusive Diamond-Tier Legacy Battle Pass will receive guaranteed entrance through the gateway of Heaven.
