WASHINGTON – Calling the charges against him “a gross miscarriage of justice” and “in contravention with established international law,” United States Congressman George Santos (R-NY) invoked diplomatic immunity as a head of state, pointing to his long-held role as King of the Koopas.
“My people sent me to this country as an ambassador for peace,” Rep. Santos said. “Our struggle against the Italians and their fungal allies is well-known to the world, but we, the Koopas, only want to live in harmony with our neighbors.”
“That the corrupt Biden administration would carry out the orders of its shadowy backers in Big Plumbing and levy these spurious charges against me, His Excellency George Bowser Santos, First of His Name and King of All Koopas, is outrageous,” he added. “I call on the International Court of Justice to charge Joe Biden with war crimes.”
Analysts say that King George’s claims, if true, would have merit, recalling a similar incident some years ago when Ganondorf was briefly the Mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey. So far, the State Department has refused to issue a statement on the matter.
Charges against the king also come with significant political implications given the Republicans’ very slim majority in the House of Representatives as well as the sizable and growing Koopa population in a number of swing states.
“Electorally, this is a timebomb,” opined well-known pundit Nate Silver. “Whether or not George Santos really is Bowser is almost irrelevant—the voters aren’t sure either, and that’s bad news for Joe Biden.”
Reached for comment just ahead of press time, brothers Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, considered the Garibaldis of the Mushroom Kingdom and long the bane of Koopas worldwide, offered only, “We never seen-a this guy before.”