LOS ANGELES — Gaming Awards presenter Geoff Keighley has just posed a challenge to daring gamers everywhere ahead of this December’s Game Awards.
“Guys, I’m so excited to show you this,” said Keighley, unzipping his hoodie on a recent Zoom call promoting December’s show. “It’s a bulletproof utility belt laced with army knives and stun guns. As you can see, I’ve become an impenetrable one-man fortress.”
When the presentation’s chat asked him the meaning of his elaborate weaponry, Keighley was all too happy to divulge.
“Well, you see, gamers, now, if any of you fucked up weirdos decide you wanna rush the stage and start babbling about GTA 6 or whatever dumb shit — you’re gonna get a tummy full of STAB!” he explained, thrusting his pelvis into the camera. “As a matter of fact, I want you to try! I want you to send all the obsessive, invasive freaks you’ve got at me at this year’s Game Awards: ‘cos I wanna see ‘em all balled up in a heap on the ground. Hell, I’ll even sweeten the deal! First person to successfully tackle me at the show in December gets three wishes. GTA 6, a new Banjo-Kazooie, Kojima’s nudes, you can have it all. Whatever you want. I dare you to step to me, motherfuckers.”
Many gamers are reportedly up for the challenge.
“Whoa! Three wishes, really!? And I haven’t even gotta find his lamp? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me,” said local gamer Darren Davidson, who then went on to demonstrate his supposed strategy for the tackle by swinging from his curtains. “I know he’s got knives and tasers so I’m gonna come in from a high angle like I’m in Spider-Man 2! Maybe I’ll bring a rope and tie it over a balcony railing or something! I’m gonna wish for Skyrim on Apple Watch once I do it.”
As of press time, countless gamers have been spotted wielding dangerous weapons and tackling each other all across the west coast in preparation for December’s Game Awards.