LOS ANGELES — Summer Game Fest producer and Archduke of Advertisements Geoff Keighley will be making a special effort to celebrate Pride Month this year by following his corporate mandate to completely ignore it.
“I love gaming, particularly the revenue it brings me when I hawk my wares at the common folk,” said Keighley while readjusting his skin during a livestream to prove he’s a real human. “The LGBTQ+ community makes up a huge portion of our audience and I appreciate that but they are not more important to me than the almighty dollar. Nothing is. So when the executives at the big corporations that pay my bills tell me not to acknowledge them, then that’s what I’m going to do without hesitation. If they want me to support them so badly I’m sure they know how to write a check.”
An executive at one of the gaming corporations spoke to us on Keighley’s Pride Month plans under the cover of anonymity.
“Look if that patsy wants to wish anyone a happy Pride or acknowledge gay people in any way, we’re not gonna give him access to any of our commercials and we won’t be paying him to talk about our products,” the executive said while ferociously shredding financial documents. “In previous years, it’s been okay for us to give out token acknowledgements, add a rainbow emblem into our games, change our social media profile picture, that kind of meaningless stuff that makes for good PR but we don’t actually have to support a cause. But these days, with this administration, no way. That’ll hurt our bottom line. Bigots are still paying customers. Keighley is a good dog and he’ll do as he’s told.”
Keighley defended himself from calls that he should use his platform to shine a light on marginalized members of the gaming community.
“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I shouldn’t be expected to risk my big pay day just to use my platform to do good. You guys are already marginalized, I don’t need my bank account to be marginalized as well,” Keighley exclaimed while practicing various human-like facial expressions. “The only thing I have pride in is how many ads I can cram into one show. Do you see this batarang behind me that makes me relatable to your species? That was paid for by Baja Blast bitch!”
At press time, Keighley has stated he believes that the only real love is between a man and his friend Hideo Kojima.
