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Gatekeeper Returns From Mountaintop With 10 Commandments For Being a Real Gamer

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local gamer and gatekeeper Mozis Becker has descended from a nearby mountaintop and presented his peers with what he says are the ten commandments for gaming on an Android tablet. 

“God has spoken to me! He has given me the rules” said Becker upon reentering the crowded parking lot at the town’s center, which was hosting a farmer’s market at the time. 

At this point, the farmer’s market crowd reportedly gathered attentively to hear the man’s proclamation of the new rules of gaming. 

“Thou shalt not use an aimbot in an online match,” he read, much to the titter of the gathered townsfolk. “Thou shalt not get your food hands on a shared controller. Thou shalt not cut in line at the Street Fighter II or Mortal Kombat machines.” 

“Oh, that’s kind of an old one,” Becker added. “That’s not going to come up a lot.” 

The gathered crowd rejoiced as he continued to list the commandments. Among them were ones that warned against posting spoilers for games’ endings and to not steal your neighbor’s console. 

“Praise be to god, we have finally been ordered what to do,” said one local resident. “We have been lost sheep in search of a shepherd, but today, this totally gnarly dude has come to the rescue. Gamers love a top ten list, and this might be the greatest one yet. Top five, easy. I knew that old GamePro magazine his brother Aaron was showing everyone and calling ‘The Good Book’ was a load of horseshit. ” 

As of press time, Becker was so mad about the old issue of GamePro that he’d thrown the Android tablet on the ground, smashing it to pieces.