NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — The newly hired sommelier at the local Gamestop reportedly recommends pairing your purchase with an aged-to-perfection 2006 bottle of “Blast de Baja”, sources confirm amidst haughty murmuring.
“Ah, yes! This vintage of Mountain Deux’s Blast de Baja should pair quite sumptuously with the copy of Sonic Superstars you’re purchasing…excellent choice, monsieur,” said Yves Lumiette, while offering for you to smell the cap, and inspect it for sweepstakes codes. “I see you were also perusing our offerings of discount Funkos, so you may want to see my list of mid-90’s Sobes. Their complete lack of tannins should bring out the deep-rooted flavors in that 30% off Zorak. Merci!”
Though customers took the service in stride, fellow employees are more than a little confused at the need for Mr. Lumiette’s presence.
“I just called my supervisor on his day off, and there’s no record of this freak ever getting hired here. I guess he just shows up with a trunk full of expired soda and tries to unload it on our customers,” grimaced Franklin Kirkpinkus on his smoke break, an employee of Gamestop ever since it used to be a FuncoLand. “I guess he knows our clientele are easily seduced, this being wine country and all. I don’t mind, so long as he keeps that steady stream of Fruitopia coming my way. I just wish he’d stop saying the word ‘sumptuously’ so damn much.”
Representatives from the local supermarket, however, applauded the burgeoning sommelier on his resourcefulness.
“This dingus calls us up and asks for all the rotting old stock we’ve got lingering in our archives, and takes it off our hands every week. Some of that stuff’s been in the breakroom crawlspace for decades.” said Albertson’s night manager Ingrid LaSalle, while sipping a fresh Diet Coke. “Let’s just put it this way, if that Surge wasn’t green to begin with, it’d certainly be green by now. Either way, we used the new free space to put in an air hockey table, which has been nice.”
At press time, Lumiette was reprimanded heavily for encouraging patrons to spit expired soda on the ground while conducting a Mr. Pibb Xtra tasting.
