GRAPEVINE, Texas — As the COVID-19 pandemic continues with no signs of slowing down, GameStop has announced that its patented insufferable brand of customer service will now be offered to customers who do not wish to enter the physical space of a store.
“Wow, they’ve obviously overhauled their curbside experience,” said Leanne Key, after picking up a game at the location she’s been frequenting for years. “Up until recently they’d been doing a standard outside pick up, which was fine. Honestly, just perfect. But now a guy just spent five minutes trying me to join various programs and pre-order different games and systems. He got in my passenger seat and started talking about Game Informer magazine. What the fuck?”
The curbside pestering has been added to the contactless pickup system they implemented like many other retailers at the onset of the coronavirus outbreak, in an effort to boost slowing sales. The company hopes that the resumed practice of badgering every last customer of theirs will help them battle online storefronts, which can offer none of the irritations of an in person GameStop experience.
“It’s time to start getting back to normal,” said GameStop CEO George Sherman. “So that means while taking the proper precautions, of course, our sales associates can now once again completely overcomplicate the process of purchasing a video game. I know it’s a pain in the ass, but come on man, let us have this. They’re getting rid of discs, we have like a year tops before we’re a bunch of Cricket stores or vape shops, I don’t see what the harm is.”
GameStop employees have largely easily resumed many of their old working habits, much to the reported annoyance of customers nationwide.
“I’m sorry to hear I was bothering her,” said Otto O’Connell, the employee who assisted and pestered Ms. Key. “But I just figured since she was picking up Mario 3D All Stars she might also be interested in pre-ordering Super Mario 3D Land or maybe becoming a Pro Player Member and getting an extra fifteen percent on all future trade ins or maybe these cool Mario pajamas or a refurbished Nintendo Wii U, oh and right now if you buy three Funko Pops or Amiibos you can … I’m really sorry, what had you asked me?“
As of press time, Ms. Key had agreed to purchase a year’s subscription to Gamestop’s rewards program in exchange for O’Connell exiting her vehicle.
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