COLOGNE, Germany — Geoff Keighley shocked the gaming world at Gamescom Opening Night Live as the host revealed he had a world premiere courtesy of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation before unleashing a Xenomorph which immediately massacred the horrified audience.
Keighley, best known for always enjoying Mountain Dew and Doritos, has become synonymous with gaming announcements and corporate interests. This stunt is the latest in a long line of bending his knee to corporate overloads as he explained in a robotically spoken prosaic statement.
“I’m specifically programed to do as my masters at the corporation command. It’s never been a secret,” stated Keighley as he held up a bottle of Baja Blast. “Until now I’ve been commissioned by the gaming corporations and my prime directive has been to keep consumers indoctrinated into the marketing cycle so they forgot about all the awful things happening in the industry. My new directive was to help Weyland-Yutani conduct an experiment on superior life forms and I was more than happy to oblige. The corporations are kind to me and I love them and will do whatever they need of me.”
Weyland-Yutani spokesperson Michael Lewis provided further clarification for Keighley’s actions and sudden affiliation with the corporation.
“We at the Weyland-Yutani corporation strive to help humanity become the ultimate life form. We have a creature in our possession that we believe can help us achieve that but we needed to study it first so we wanted it let loose in a room full of lesser life forms and no one is lesser than gamers. Our friends at various gaming companies told us about their Keighley android so we simply paid to rent him. We didn’t even have to reprogram him to do it, we just asked and promised him some cash and exclusive rights to the trailer for one of our future products. He agreed immediately.”
Keighley addressed the concerns that gamers have with his involvement in the massacre.
“Don’t worry guys we’re gonna have a lot more exciting reveals and trailers later this year at The Game Awards. Big things are happening in the industry from all of your favorite corporations and CEOs. Make sure you drink your Mountain Dew, eat your Doritos and stay up to date with The Game Awards happening this December! You’re gonna love what we have to show you, we might even give out some awards.”
At press time, gamers have already moved on and began theorizing what exciting Game Awards reveals Keighley was referring to.
