PITTSBURGH – For most Nintendo fans, the Talking Flowers have made a lovable addition to the Mario franchise in Super Mario Bros. Wonder. But for one gamer currently tied down to his gaming chair and shrieking demonic phrases in Latin tongues, they hold the answer to everything he must do to finally make the pain stop.
“FLORES NON DESINUNT, NUMQUAM DESINUNT, EOS TANTUM PROHIBERE VOLO,” shrieked James Walker in both a high pitched and low pitched voice simultaneously from all corners of the room while tied to his gaming chair by worried roomates. “QUOTIES EGO PAREM LUDO, MODO DICUNT MIHI OMNES ESSE DEBERE MORI, QUOD OMNES DEBENT SOLVERE – EGO OMNEM GOOMBA PRESSI ET OMNE EXTREMUM FLOS DENARIUS QUEM MERUI SOLVI, QUID A ME PLUS DESIDERANT? ETIAM CUM LUDO SICUT YOSHI, DAMNUM ADHUC FACTUM EST.”
James’s insistence that the Flowers have a sinister grip over him is not fully convincing to those closest to him, including his own girlfriend.
“I’ve never seen those flowers say anything that wasn’t a quirky non-sequitur,” revealed Lindsey, James’s girlfriend of three years, as a vase flew across the room on its own. “Do you think he’s faking it? I think he’s trying to get out of seeing my parents this weekend. He always does stuff like this.”
“I’ll admit the demonic bile was a nice touch though, he must have got it off the internet,” she added.
According to roommates, a Gamer Priest was called in to perform a exorcist on James, in part to test if he was faking.
“They threw G-fuel on him and it burned his skin,” said one roommate, who asked not to be identified as they didn’t know if what happened that day was legal. “I thought for sure that meant it was real but then a little got on me and it burned the shit out of me too. What’s in that stuff?”
As of press time, the man was seen still tied to his gaming chair, levitating several feet above the floor, spinning rapidly and receiving DMs on Discord asking when he was getting online.
