LOS ANGELES — This New Year’s Eve local Gamer, Ronan Barbier, 39, has resolved to waste less of his short time on this earth level-grinding and spend more quality time with the people who matter: NPCs you can kiss.
“Diet, exercise, and career goals all came up when we discussed potential New Year’s resolutions,” reported Barbier’s life coach, Dr. Neil Mcnamara, 34. “In the end, we decided that his relationship with Odessa was what needed the most attention this year.
“Our loved ones are the most important part of a fulfilling life” Explained Dr. Mcnamara smugly, who at press time was still unaware that “Odessa” is not Barbier’s long term girlfriend, but in fact the earliest Romanceable NPC in the 2018 open world RPG Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey.
“I know a lot of people are making lifestyle changes this time of year, and love is the most important part of my life,” said Barbier, while tenderly stroking his Xbox controller. “Sure, she joined my crew as a lieutenant, and I’m loyal, I didn’t even do that rad side quest where you cuck a grandpa to save his marriage, but is that all a relationship is?
“When was the last time we just talked? This is the area where I can improve the most this year” Barbier’s statement was cut short by a coughing fit brought on by his 2 pack a day smoking habit.
Maria Barbier, Ronan Barbier’s wife of 16 years, added that “His resolution last year was to finally finish the main story line, but he has problems prioritizing.” After pausing to take a Valium, M. Barbier continued, “I bought him Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla for Christmas and suggested we play it together, but he really wants to finish Odes- Odyssey first.
At this point the glass of red wine that Maria used to wash down the Valium shattered in her bare hand, yet she continued, “Maybe next year I’ll get him a vape. Then I can force him to have dinner with me by hiding it. I haven’t had a meal with my husband since 2018.”
M. Barbier excused herself from the interview to feed her son, Odie, 4, but not before removing the shattered pieces of glass from her hand and placing them into the vent of her husband’s Xbox. Odie was unavailable to comment on his father’s New Year’s resolutions, but is probably very proud.
“The game is called Odyssey because it was supposed to be a dating simulator for romancing Odessa,” a representative from Ubisoft commented.
