HOBOKEN, N.J. — Radiating unmistakable calm and oneness with himself while mowing down countless pedestrians in GTA 5, local gamer Derek Brazao achieved an advanced meditative state previously only the Dalai lama has been able to attain, sources confirmed.
“Where ignorance is your master, there is no possibility of real peace, nor is there any threat to its opposite,” mused Brazao, earning a five-star wanted level. “An open heart is an open mind, go swiftly into your own embrace to find the truth with which you already know.”
After placing the controller onto his coffee table littered with 32oz soda cups, half-eaten Taco Bell meals, and blunt wrappers, Brazao closed his eyes and touched his index and middle finger to his temple in preparation for a telepathic demonstration.
“Spirits, I summon you with all my strength, mental, physical, and eternal, join me on this earthly plane and grant me your gifts if only for the moment,” said Brazao as the unmanned controller continued to direct his on-screen character to keep burying NPC’s under his car.
Catching wind of Brazao’s impressive mental powers, the Dalai Lama attempted to replicate Brazao’s success by playing GTA himself.
“You have got to be fucking joking me,” scoffed the Dalai Lama as he was instantly wasted for the 40th time in five minutes. “OK, I think I’m feeling it. Yeah, here we go, ok, ok. Ommmmmmm. Ommmmmm. Ommmm-god fucking damn it!” yelled the Dalai Lama before being hit by a bus.
At press time, the Dalai Lama was observed getting a virtual lap dance at the strip to cool his nerves.
