LOS ANGELES — Local gamer Alex Thorne, who is currently living through a period called the Purge in which all crime is legal, took advantage of the occasion to launch a website dedicated to hosting pirated Nintendo ROMs.
“Nintendo’s lawyers have shut down pretty much every site that’s tried to host their games,” Thorne said, peering through his window to keep an eye on the wanton destruction happening outside. “I’ve still managed to build a pretty big collection of Nintendo ROMs though. So when the Purge started and all crime became legal for a while, I figured I’d just upload them while their lawyers couldn’t do anything about it.”
Deftly catching a Molotov cocktail flying in through the window, Thorne continued, “Nintendo’s already reached out and demanded I take the site down. I’m not scared though. What are they going to do, sue me?”
Asked why he didn’t use the Purge to cleanse his inner demons by committing more serious crimes, such as murder, Thorne responded, “What the fuck? Why the hell would I do that? I just want people to be able to play Yoshi’s Island for free. Jesus.”
Fred Thompson, one of several thousand attorneys for Nintendo, assured that the company would take action against Thorne’s ROM site.
“Rest assured, Nintendo does not take piracy lightly. It’s completely unacceptable for people to distribute games that we no longer offer for sale in any capacity.”
Thompson would not elaborate on the specific actions Nintendo plans to take against Thorne, offering only a cryptic message: “Let’s just say we’ll make sure his body is ready.”
At press time, Thorne’s site was offline. He could not be reached for comment. Reports indicate that two men wearing overalls were seen exiting Thorne’s building shortly before all laws were reinstated at the end of the Purge.