BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local gamer Alyssa Ward set a world record Saturday night when she completed her date with local bachelor Darren Dinkle with an astonishing time of 8:13, sources have confirmed.
“He was an awkward mess when he asked me out, so I knew this would be a good opportunity to break the record,” said Ward, following the record breaking run. “I went for the coffee shop route since that’s optimal for speedruns, and honestly, chugging six shots of espresso right off the bat didn’t hurt either. At the casual conversation split I was 46 seconds ahead of my PB, but got distracted by his body odor, so I lost a fair bit of ground during the biscotti split. I was dry heaving while choking down the driest dessert that exists as he proudly exclaimed he had ‘outlived even the doctor’s most generous predictions.’ Good grief.”
When asked how the date went, Dinkle seemed unclear.
“I didn’t really know what I was watching, but I was impressed,” he said, reflecting on the rapidly paced date. “I fell for her when she suggested we both talk simultaneously to save time. Like, how did she even figure out you can do shit like that? I think she really liked it when I repeatedly called her ‘m’lady’ and explained why I believe in, but do not practice, semen retention because she rushed for the check faster than anything I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously. She whipped her credit card across the place to the waiter like a damn ninja star. Do any of you guys know where she went, though?”
When asked what’s next for her, Ward revealed she’s set her sights on the record for world’s quickest broken engagement.