PORTSMOUTH, Va. — Local gamer Devin Blander, 28, reacted with apocalyptic wrath to the revelation that those around him spend their free time engaging in activities that bring them joy, relaxation, or creative fulfillment — as opposed to the white hot rage that courses through every inch of Blander’s body while he plays video games.
“I told him his blood pressure was dangerous and he should dedicate more time to his hobbies,” explained Blander’s primary care physician, Dr. Leia Moss. “He said something about ‘hours on Bloodborne,’ but I didn’t really hear because he was also ripping the blood pressure cuff off his arm and throwing it against the concrete wall of my exam room. I’m a little shaken up. Good thing I have my watercolor painting class after work to calm me down.”
Blander took to the platform Twitch, where he regularly streams games such as Crash Bandicoot, Dark Souls, and Cuphead, to confirm his suspicions. Blander was predictably furious when his loyal streaming audience revealed that they also have hobbies that bring them joy, not just frustration.
Twitch user Noir_souls0 wrote, “I tap dance at the community center and feel great afterwards 🙂 Sometimes I garden too.”
Another Twitch user, DanD0222, wrote over the course of several messages: “Y do you game so much bro. All you do is complain lol. I thought u at least had a Patreon or something. Y is ur face so red?”
Blander immediately banned DanD0222 from the chat before knocking his PC monitor to the ground and beginning to eat the broken shards in an adrenaline-induced dissociative episode. Following his release from urgent care, Blander’s girlfriend Keira Lang, 26, took action to find Blander a more fulfilling and less hazardous passtime.
“I convinced him to try crocheting, but now everytime he drops a stitch he uses the hooks to stab more holes in my drywall. Maybe video games aren’t actually the problem,” speculated Lang, while holding Roscoe, a rescue terrier she trained herself in her free time. “I’m gonna try crushing up some beta blockers in his Mountain Dew next, but I’m worried his emotional regulation might just be too warped at this [point].”
Lang was forced to cut her statement short when an airborne crochet hook accidentally impaled Roscoe. At press time, the beloved pet was in critical condition but stable.
