TOKYO — Internal documents from Pokémon developer Game Freak have been leaked online, the contents of which have confirmed what many gamers have long since suspected. They’ll never be as happy as they were in their younger days.
“It’s very unfortunate that these private documents were obtained by an unauthorized third party and leaked to the public. We never meant for gamers to discover this information and have the hope that the spark of life would return to be shattered,” said Game Freak representative Konosuke Suzuki in a press statement. “The one thing keeping gamers going through the dark void that is life was the small glimmer of hope that one day they would be happy again, they were never meant to know the truth because that could affect sales.”
The confirmation that gamers will never be truly happy again came from a company wide memo that came straight from the CEO. It read as follows:
“Many gamers feel like the reason they have responded to our games less than enthusiastically is because of our lack of any meaningful innovation and the regression of polish as the years have gone on. And while that’s absolutely the case, the simple fact is that the spark is gone. They think that by playing this children’s game that they played when they were young, it will awaken the happiness they used to feel but the truth is that they’ll never feel that again. They now exist in a perpetually state of depression and anxiety searching for anything that can make them feel. They are the walking dead and as such we should never listen to their demands to improve our games.”
Kazuchika Shibata, one of the lead devs on the last few Pokémon games weighed in on how this leak will affect things.
“We do believe that this leak will affect sales. Children will of course still be buying the games but most of our adult Pokémon fans don’t even like Pokémon. They only bought the games with the intention of reigniting the spark of joy and happiness they had as kids but haven’t felt since they entered the working world. They did this despite knowing the games are undercooked and bad because they were desperate to try and obtain happiness. Now that they know definitively that they’ll never be as happy as they used to be, they have no reason to buy more Pokémon games.”
At press time, Pokémon fans online have reacted in denial, claiming that surely the next game will fix all the problems and make them happy.
