Claim: The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) issued the following statement on X: “A recent audit of the United States Military uncovered a team of spearmen who have been stationed somewhere in the arctic for over 1,000 years. This dramatic oversight is just one of many examples of unqualified, inactive workers taking advantage of our government’s negligence, costing taxpayers millions in gold.”
Rating: Mixed
A review of historical military records does much to explain the presence of these arctic-based spearmen, who are, as DOGE claims, still on the US military payroll.
Around 723 BCE, the United States did send a small brigade of stick-wielding warriors into an ancient ruin found in what is now Durham, New Hampshire. These warriors did, in fact, find spears and arm themselves. The United States then sent these spearmen on an expedition to the Arctic in order to, in the words of President George Washington, “Look around and see if there’s any stuff there.”
After approximately seven centuries of “looking around for stuff” in the Arctic, the spearmen in question received orders, in a missive from President Washington in 2 AD, to “stay in one place and just sleep a lot until we need you to do something.” The US military, by the admission of current President George Washington, “kind of forgot they were up there.”
However, although the spearmen in question have continued to receive approximately one gold piece per year, no evidence exists that this military presence has cost taxpayers “millions” in gold, particularly when compared to similar overseas military bases, many of which cost tens of thousands of gold pieces per year. The “Poke Boys,” as they are colloquially called in online spaces, are inexpensive enough that the US does not require taxpayer money to cover their salaries. Their pay is covered by tributes from the city-state of Zanzibar.
When reached for comment, one of the spearmen just wrote back “It’s so cold, please let me die.”
