Miami, FL – Local Tarkov player ‘NicE_hAX_LoL69420,’ was reportedly in his normal position of lying perfectly still, prone on the floor of Factory, when he didn’t notice his session of Escape from Tarkov crashed almost 20 minutes ago.
Equipped only with the cheapest Mosin he could afford, ‘NicE_hAX_LoL69420’ (referred to henceforth as Rat) resorted to the playstyle after complaining to all his friends that every time he died was the result of a hacker.
“Look, I’ve seen The Wiggle That Killed Tarkov at least a dozen times,” said Rat, barely looking up from his TikTok feed, awaiting a target. “That’s all I needed to know that every death I’ve had in the past six months isn’t my fault at all. This is the only strategy I’ve come up with that sees success.”
According to sources, extract camping is the fine art of doing nothing while waiting for others to collect all the loot and resources, before shooting them in the head as they go to leave the raid. More than other strategies, it requires extreme patience, planning, and a deep seething contempt for your fellow man.
Through a mouthful of pepperoni Hot Pocket, Rat tells us that his strategy going into each raid is to buy a cheap gun with a half a dozen or so rounds, lay down near the extract point, then browse the Tarkov subreddit to downvote anything remotely positive anyone has to say about the game.
“Look, I have over 10,000 hours in Tarkov, so I know what I’m doing. People hate on extract camping, but tell me, would you get mad at a real life sniper sitting in an opportune spot waiting for his target? Of course not, and this is just like that!” He said.
While being interviewed, our reporter noted that there didn’t seem to be any movement or audio coming from his game.
“Yeah, moving will just get me noticed, and the audio’s always been messed up even if you buy ComTacs. The game sucks, I don’t know how people enjoy it.”
After another half hour of scrolling through TikTok, Rat began to realize something may be amiss. He tried wiggling the mouse only to see that nothing happened on screen.
“Ah man not again?!”
