WASHINGTON — Experts warned that any meaningful update to America’s social and political institutions will require the country’s complete restart in order to take effect, distressed sources report.
“This is one of the most corrupted cases I’ve ever seen,” political scientist Javier Vasquez observed. “Normally, I’d recommend updating this system through the normal political processes, but with an entire party kowtowed to the whims of a despotic leader elected by billionaires and a powerful disinformation campaign, a citizenry so heavily fractured by social media, and public health threats brought on and exacerbated by federal cuts to crucial scientific programs, they’d be completely useless without a total restart to the country. Anyone can see this is the only feasible option we have in front of us.”
Sociologist Pamela Ng agreed with Vasquez’s takeaway.
“It’s an extreme step, but it’s absolutely necessary,” Ng concurred. “The top one percent of the population holds almost a third of the nation’s wealth, yet half the country is convinced immigrants and members of the LGBTQ+ community are to blame for all of society’s ills. A significant portion won’t even accept election results if they don’t favor their candidate, so while we can attempt to update the system through conventional means, it’s almost guaranteed to not work unless we give the whole thing a reboot.”
American resident Paul Templeton reacted to the experts’ findings.
“It’s tough to hear, but it makes total sense,” Templeton said. “I can barely afford groceries even though I work full-time as an engineer, and the prospect of owning a house isn’t even in consideration with all the school loan debt I have. I hate all of my neighbors and most of my family because of the stuff they like and post on Facebook, and I’m constantly one medical emergency away from complete financial ruin. It’s pretty clear that things are only going to get significantly worse for the working class going forward, so I’m thinking the restart is absolutely necessary.”
At press time, it was discovered that the federal employees who would have spearheaded the American restart had been fired by DOGE.
