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Exhausted Ark Player Logs off After Long Session of Pressing ‘Join Server’ Button

DENTON, Texas – Local gamer Phil Sharpe has emerged from his basement for the first time in days, starving and exhausted from continuously pressing the ‘join server’ button in Ark: Survival Ascended. According to his Steam friends, Sharpe has racked up 98 hours in the game and never created a character.

“During every waking hour, I can’t wait to boot up the game. It’s just so exhilarating, you know? The rush of adrenaline I get when that loading icon pops up is unparalleled,” said Sharpe, when asked why he continues to play the game. “You never know what’s going to happen next. Sometimes you immediately see the server is full, but occasionally it will fade to black to make you think you’re in before spitting you back to the menu with an error message. That part is my favorite.”

According to Sharpe’s wife, Melissa Pierce, this habit has been negatively affecting their relationship.

“He’s there for hours, sometimes even days at a time, and by the time he’s done he’s so exhausted he doesn’t even want to eat dinner with me or play with the kids,” said Pierce, exasperated. “He broke his mouse four times in the last two weeks from clicking so hard, and he’s missed work three times. I’m worried he’s going to be out of a job, and my income alone can’t support buying all those mice.”

Sharpe’s doctor also expressed concern.

“Staring at a screen for that long without blinking is definitely unhealthy, and frankly a little disturbing. Combine that with how little sleep he’s getting and it’s a recipe for disaster. He’s also developing a repetitive strain injury, which is surprising because as far as I can tell, he hasn’t even been playing the game.”

Studio Wildcard, developer of the game, was unavailable for comment, as they were preoccupied with putting out a fire in their server room.

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