On Monday, former president Donald Trump selected Senator J. D. Vance as his running mate for the 2024 presidential election. The controversial author-turned-politician already has a significant national profile. Here’s everything you need to know about the Ohio native.
He Is a Sly Cooper Cosplay Enthusiast
Trump has been involved in his fair share of criminal misadventures and was reportedly looking for a running mate who was familiar with that world. In Vance, Trump has identified a partner who not only understands it, he lives it every day of his life.
He Is the Redneck That Jeff Foxworthy Is Talking About
Foxworthy’s famous “You Might Be a Redneck” jokes were directly inspired by J. D. Vance. He has done all of those things.
He Has Flip-Flopped on Important Issues
Though Vance has vociferously spoken out against “replacement,” he seemingly has no issue with replacing Mike Pence as Trump’s vice president.
He Would Be the First Vice President to Wear a T-Shirt in a Swimming Pool
He says he’s concerned about exposure to UV rays, but refuses to comment when asked followup questions about the water shoes and nose plugs.
He Possesses the Byakugan Eye
Okay, maybe not literally, but there’s definitely some anime bullshit going on with those things. If he were at that Trump rally, the would-be assassin would have been caught long before he was able to get off a shot.
He Is Capable of Recognizing Pain in People Around Him
He then sells that pain to enrich himself.
Vance Is Pro-Choice
He thinks all Vice Presidents should be allowed to choose which votes count.
He Is Travel-Sized
Trump hopes to save on travel costs by stowing him in Air Force One’s overhead compartment. He reportedly fits perfectly into Melania’s handbag.
We Cannot Show You His Gamertag
Printing his username even a single time would do irreparable harm to the website.
Vance Converted to Catholicism
Though raised as a Protestant, Vance says he vastly prefers the Roman church’s organized, authoritarian approach to child abuse.
He Has Never Been Heard Saying the Word “Appalachian”
He’s written it, certainly. But any time he is prompted to speak it, he simply says, “those big ol’ mountains down yonder way, I tells ya.”
He Has Been Misrepresented by the Media
Some journalists have accused Vance of flip-flopping by accepting his spot on the ticket, as he once referred to Trump as, “America’s Hitler.” He claims that they are ignoring his long-standing admiration of the German dictator.
He Supports a Strong Administrative State
Vance has implied that he would use the Department of Justice to target political opponents and journalists, including anyone who tries to investigate the time he reportedly shit his pants in math class while he was in high school.
Vance Claims to Be Against Big Tech
His criticism about the industry’s lack of foresight may be accurate, as tech companies remain among his largest donors.
He Has Beef With RFK, Jr.
Vance has criticized the third party candidate for being unable to sustain even a single brain worm, saying that his own cerebrum is currently nourishing a large colony.
He Is a Climate Change Denier
He has been quoted as saying, “If the planet was getting warmer, why would I grow this luxurious, masculine beard?”
He Can Fit Nearly a Dozen Billiards Balls in His Cheeks
While his current record is only 11, he is reportedly training to attempt the “full baker’s” later this year.
