Vampire Survivors does the one thing I wish most games would do – be fun. It truly appeals to my ADHD and lack of delayed gratification through a simple gameplay loop: Making numbers go up really fast and having a bunch of pretty colors. There are a vast number of weapons, evolutions, and unions available. However, most of these weapons not only hurt enemies but also my eyes as I get one step closer to aging into a husk of the person I once was.
Here at Hard Drive, we don’t just report real news — we also perform real science. Being an ethical, data-driven, and factual gamer journalist involves immersing the self into the scientific method. Unfortunately, this is one experiment you shouldn’t replicate.
#76 – Pentagram / Gorgeous Moon
The author has declined to comment on this due to being unable to evolve this weapon beyond level one. It may not hurt my eyes but it hurts my soul to subject myself to this.
#75 – Laurel / Crimson Shroud
A defensive weapon? How oxymoronic. I’m not going to use this.
#74 – Garlic
Boring to the eyes. Pleasant with some chicken parmesan.
#73 – Soul Eater
It’s still boring and is not a topping for chicken parmesan.
#72 – Mille Bolle Blu
The bubbles fly off screen before they have a chance to harm me.
#71 – Flash Arrow
You will only hurt yourself in trying to make this thing useful.
#70 – Bracelet / Bi-Bracelet / Tri-Bracelet
Maybe it’s my fault for playing on Moonglow just because it’s the easiest level but being barely able to see my projectiles doesn’t hurt my eyes. I’m really starting to wonder when the pain comes.
#69 – Heaven Sword
Put on some vaporwave (okay, maybe just those slowed “vaporwave” edits of Bee Gees on YouTube) and watch the magic. It’s almost like the time I did shrooms except without the existential crisis. This right here, this is nice.
#68 – Magic Wand
It’s actually harder to try and watch the projectiles hit something. You may not strain your eyes but you will hurt your own feelings failing multiple runs trying to limit break this absolute disgrace to wizards everywhere.
#67 – Boo Roo Boolle
These bubbles don’t hurt me. They don’t hurt my foes either. What a waste of potential.
#66 – Clock Lancet
Boring. Inoffensive. That is until you give it Blood Astronomia.
#65 – Knife
Stabs enemies, doesn’t stab my sight.
#64 – Four Seasons
Bubbles. Leaves. Is that Chinese? Man, this shit ain’t nothing to me.
#63 – Godai Shuffle
I can still see. That means within the confines of this scientific experiment, this weapon sucks.
#62 – Axe
Like many other weapons so far, this is disappointing. Where’s the pain? Where’s the science? All these years of watching MythBusters and I haven’t applied it to my life.
#61 – Mirage Robe
Now you see me. Now you see more of me.
#60 – 108 Bocce
Do you like looking at balls? You might like femboys.
#59 – Cherry Bomb
Update from the author: It is 12:04am. The ADHD meds have kicked in. I am locked in. My mind is clear and my sight is unaffected.
(Please do not play video games while taking certain medications if you have a history of medication-related seizures. If you are on a new medication that lowers your seizure threshold, please contact your physician right away if you feel adverse side effects. Game safely, my friends.)
#58 – Bone
Spooky scary skeletons and bones all on my screen.
#57 – Lightning Ring
At some point, the lightning just goes off the screen so I can’t say anything bad about this for my sight.
#56 – J’Odore
Now you see more of me. Now you see me coming after you.
#55 – Fire Wand
I’ve watched a stoned teenager at a grindcore show cast a larger fireball than this with a can of hairspray.
#54 – Prismatic Missile
I may be wrong to consider how much strain these weapon animations by themselves put onto my eyes. Accessibility in video games is great. Just don’t go limit breaking six weapons at the same time or else you’ll regret it.
#53 – Infinite Corridor
Blood Astronomia has been taken from me. I am starting to believe that there will be more emotional damage than visual damage by the end of this article. My life is a series of disappointments of my own creation.
#52 – Song of Mana
“But El Gimpador, you’re using one of the arcanas that give Song of Mana the solar system! That’s not the true weapon!”
Well, yeah. Looking at a sparking rectangle is boring and I am purposefully trying to deteriorate my sight for science. I think I get a say in how I do it.
Skewed results? Inaccurate testing? Outliers? I’m not trying to pass my AP Statistics final again. I’m experimenting.
#51 – Glass Fandango
I write this in an effort to seek pain, yet I find none. Pain seems to come only when I do not ask for it.
#50 – Whip
The only way to make this better is if there was a mod to put in the Johnny Test whip sound effect. Does anybody remember Johnny Test? Is this what getting old feels like?
#49 – King Bible
Funny enough, this goes so fast that your eyes don’t have enough time to focus and give you a headache. This isn’t that bad.
#48 – Unholy Vespers
It’s the King Bible going through an edgy phase. Lame.
#47 – Eskizzibur
My eyes are fine. No rizz from the skizz. Do better.
#46 – Phas3r
The devs somehow knew I was subjecting myself to torture and decided to update the game and add more weapons to the mix. Jokes on you, I’ve 100% this game three times for the achievements! I’m almost immune to this pain!
#45 – Bloody Tear
This is just a kinkier whip. Wait… is there a tier list on the kinkiness of whips? Will I be ashamed if I research this? I think my eyes may hurt more from reading the godforsaken articles that have that answer.
#44 – Vento Sacro
It’s the whip but cool instead of kinky. It’ll only fire in the direction the user is facing so it’s easier on the eyes.
#43 – Shadow Servant
I’d make a statement about how this geometric shape is on a flag, that flag is in current world events, and also a statement about the snakes emanating from this shape. Those snakes are representative of evils done in the name of ideology. Much like how a certain government years ago took a certain symbol and associated it with genocide. Many years later, this certain government uses this shape and it will also be associated with genocide. History repeats itself. But that’s a political analogy, and video games aren’t political.
#42 – Thousand Edge
Turbo mode has been activated.
#41 – Santa Water
Turns out limit breaking this weapon also breaks the animations. I’m at a loss for words instead of a loss of sight.
#40 – Phieraggi
Admittedly, the pulsating glow is not a strain on the eyes. The only thing painful is the sound effect of this thing firing off.
#39 – Fuwafuwaloo
How the hell do you even pronounce this? Am I developing dyslexia? More questions unanswered. All I know is that I never want to see this word ever again.
#38 – Shadow Pinion
Gotta go fast. Gotta go so fast you don’t have time to look at it.
#37 – Legionnaire
With every limit break, my shadow form will one day take over the screen. By that time, I will be a corpse without eyes to harm.
#36 – La Robba
If wrestling has taught me anything, it’s that anything can be a weapon. The Vampire Survivors Ikea Catalog Of Death proves it.
#35 – Carrello
Is it one minecart? Is it six? I can’t tell anymore due to how fast they are all moving. I have lost the ability to count but my vision remains intact.
#34 – Pako Battilar
You’re telling me I can have my own swarm of bats? You’re also telling me that limit breaking said bats makes them go at mach speed? I love video games.
#33 – Mazo Familiar
Too many bats. I have made a serious mistake.
#32 – Greatest Jubilee
Fireworks are only cool in Jackass and professional wrestling. The lasers? Who cares?
#31 – Valkyrie Turner
Gotta go even faster.
#30 – Holy Wand
Holy shit. There is so much bouncing around.
#29 – Phiera Der Tuphello / Eight The Sparrow
Okay so I may be bending the rules a bit by doing these weapons together. So what? Using these two at once should be required by law. You know why?
They’re guns. They shoot red, white, and blue.
#28 – Peachone
Everyone knows birds aren’t real. This agent of the state needs Twilight Requiem in order to be considered half useful. The psychological torture of the surveillance state is almost comparable to the pain of the bird beams hitting my retinas.
#27 – Ebony Wings
As much as I want to say Goth Bird is better in every way, I still cannot lose sight that this abomination is a government drone. The purple and black does not flashbang me like Peachone did. However, this flying Hot Topic surveillance camera’s attacks take up the whole damn screen.
#26 – Millionaire
I’m squinting to try and look at these sparkles. The harder I concentrate, the worse my headache gets. You win this time, game.
#25 – Thunder Loop
Blue light exposure can cause serious damage to the eyes. I am currently watching lights pulse every 2 seconds. Not as bad as other weapons on this list but definitely not fun to watch.
#24 – Mannajja
I broke the solar system and stared too long into the sparking circles. I have seen gods, mathematics, and the fifth dimension. I now know what it means to be a Tool fan.
#23 – Hellfire
NOW THAT’S A FIREBALL LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH FLYING AROUND!
#22 – Celestial Voulge
There are many weapons in this game that project blue light at you. This one does it. Rapidly.
#21 – La Borra
Someone please help me. I am stuck in this realm. Get me out of here.
#20 – Summon Night
I have escaped La Borra but I have been banished to the Shadow Realm within ten minutes.
#19 – Echo Night
I broke the Shadow Realm in eleven minutes. I cannot be contained.
#18 – Night Sword
Annoying.
#17 – Muramasa
Annoying but with more red.
#16 – Gatti Amari
I hate the smoke clouds that take up the whole damn screen. I want to look at the cute pixel cats.
#15 – Victory Sword / Sole Solution
This shit ain’t nothing to me man. I’m huffing dust off the Hubble Telescope. I had moon rocks in the bong before Neil Armstrong hotboxed the Apollo. Call me Yuri Gagarin the way I get higher before anybody else. We’re smoking the universal constant that inspired Einstein’s equations. Shit = nothing(2me)
#14 – Death Spiral
A weapon that performs its own namesake. I am getting a headache as everything spins.
#13 – Silver Wind
I really hope the evolution doesn’t go faster. I’m already dizzy.
#12 – Vicious Hunger
There are no cute pixel cats. My day is ruined.
#11 – Festive Winds
I dry heaved.
#10 – Ophion
After speaking out against that shape from earlier in the list, I have been bombed into the Ultra Shadow Realm. I have also been labeled as anti-shapetic. Censorship of independent journalism is a tragedy.
#9 – Vandalier
Two government drones fuse into one. The military industrial complex has gone too far.
Holy shit it shoots rainbows. Maybe I was wrong. This drone is an ally.
#8 – Luminaire
I am staring into sacred geometry. I feel the knowledge pass through the wavelengths of light. I see the limitless expanses of our world. I see the rising cost of my energy bill. I see the rising cost of healthcare as I debate whether or not to get my eyes checked out.
#7 – Party Popper
These are not the party poppers you’re thinking about.
#6 – SpellString / SpellStream / SpellStrike / SpellStrom
Admit it, you only care about SpellStrom. It’s okay, I feel the same way. Keep staring into the screen until the RNG lets you level up the three separate weapons to max level before joining them. You cannot spell patience without pa_i_n____.
#5 – Runetracer
If you look hard enough, you’ll see Nonagon Infinity.
#4 – NO FUTURE
There is no future in which I want to look at this again.
Honorable Mention – All of the Among Us Weapons
I do not wish to be reminded of a game I didn’t play because I had no friends at the time to play it with. It hurts to look at, because it hurts me.
#3 – Cross
Jesus Christ wouldn’t have come back a second time if this was the kind of cross he was nailed to.
#2 – Photonstorm
I’ve had lasers at goth clubs beam directly into my eyes. That was less painful than looking at this. My conspiracy that the devs somehow knew and wanted to torture me further has validation through this single weapon.
#1 – Celestial Dusting
Ten seconds in and I can already tell this will be atrocious. Five minutes in and I’m already looking at my workplace insurance package for vision care.
Oh who am I kidding? I’m American. I can’t afford it even if my job covers it.
Fun fact: El Gimpador is in his early-mid 20s.
