22. Jimmy
Possibly the most significant difference between me in my 20s and me now is that I would no longer date my female friends’ cute, clearly queer, boyfriend. In my 20s I would not have hesitated.
21. Hollie Hawkes
If I were to create a composite character of all the girls I had a crush on in my 20s she’d pretty much look like Hollie Hawkes. She’d also probably have a nebulously cool job like a video store clerk.
20. Stacey Pilgrim
I would be attracted to Stacey because she has her stuff together and would force me to get my stuff together. Unfortunately, her having her stuff together and insisting that I get my stuff together is exactly why I’d eventually break up with her.
19. Dominique
Like Stacey, Dominique seems to have her stuff together compared to most Scott Pilgrim characters. Unlike Stacey, she doesn’t seem like she’d force me to get my stuff together. Which is exactly why she’d eventually break up with me.
18. Lynette Guycott
I’ve already established that drummers were a big thing for me in my 20s. Hot hipster girls with glasses were also a big thing for me in my 20s. Lynette checks a lot of boxes for younger me.
17. Kim Pine
Have I mentioned I had a thing for drummers? Kim’s combination of sarcasm, detached hipster coolness, and directness would all ensure I was desperately in love with her from minute one. I don’t think she would have put up with me.
16. Demon Hipster Chicks
Knowing a hot hipster girl was a literal demon would not have stopped me from dating them in my 20s. Not even a little.
15. Gideon
Gideon seems like a great guy. We briefly dated before my 20s and he broke up with me. I would have tried desperately to win him back. Who wouldn’t want to date such a classy, kindhearted guy.
14. Lucas Lee
Sure he’s technically evil but Lucas seems like kind of a sweetheart. He gave Scott breaks during their fight. He cried talking about his relationship with Ramona. Plus he’s the exact kind of schlocky actor I’d be obsessed with.
13. Joseph
Joseph is a little more butch than I typically go for in guys, but his combination of snarky and soft-spoken is very charming. We would bond over quietly judging everyone around us, which was the basis of most of my relationships in my 20s, romantic or otherwise.
12. Hazel
Hazel is the cute, sweet waitress who feeds the house spirit Lis to keep her happy. She’s exactly the kind of pretty, shy, girl I’d date in the first place but honestly, I would have dated anyone who gave me restaurant leftovers every night. Oh wait, I forgot Seconds and Scott Pilgrim were different comics for a second.
11. Other Scott
Other Scott is a pretty minor character, but his willingness to go by Other Scott among his friends is enough for me to like him. It’s a good bit and I appreciate someone who commits to a bit.
10. Lisa Miller
Lisa represents a girl from his past he almost dated but didn’t. I was obsessed with those relationships in my 20s. If any of them had shown back up in my life suddenly I’d have been all in for a doomed-from-the-start relationship I’d been building up in my head for years.
9. Bryan Lee O’Malley
In my 20s I would have dropped my entire life and moved to Canada to date the guy who created Scott Pilgrim. Now that I’m older and wiser I’d drop my entire life and move to Canada to date the guy who created Snot Girl.
8. Mobile
Mobile is a weird psychic guy and not a lot is known about him. But he’s cute, hangs out on the astral plane and possibly works for Nintendo. That’s enough for a top-ten slot. If his Nintendo credentials were confirmed he’d be a contender for number one.
7. Stephen Stills
He sings, plays guitar, writes songs, and cooks. Stephen Stills really is “the talent.” Unfortunately, I would have found his generally nice but fairly serious demeanor a little boring in my 20s.
6. Jason Kim
Jason Kim owns a car. You can’t just pass that up when you’re dating in the queer community. I was 29 before my town got Uber.
5. Ramona Flowers
Of course I would have dated Ramona Flowers if I had the chance – I read Scott Pilgrim in high school. I’d have bailed when the first evil ex showed up though. Not for moral reasons, I just couldn’t handle that much drama.
4. Envy Adams
Envy is the kind of girl I’d immediately fall in love with. All my friends would tell me she’d ruin my life. She’d tell me she’d ruin my life. She’d break my heart and ruin my life. I’d be calling to try to get her back a week later.
3. Gideon
I had a huge crush on Gideon when I was younger. He was such a charming guy. I have nothing but fond memories of him. There’s no way I would have been good enough for him, but you can’t blame a guy for trying.
2. Steph Nordergraf
Young Neil’s sister who has long since moved away and barely appears is the most realistic dating prospect in all of Scott Pilgrim. Most of the people I “dated” in my 20s were long-distance friend of a friend’s former roommate I never actually ended up meeting. It’s not the most exciting answer, but the stats don’t lie, Steph is almost certainly who I’d date in the Scott Pilgrim universe.
1. Wallace Wells
Wallace Wells was the kind of confident, funny, laidback guy I was obsessed with in my 20s. Okay, Wallace Wells is the kind of confident, funny, laidback guy I’m still obsessed with. Not all of my tastes in my 20s were wrong.
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