The world of Pokemon has been endlessly expanding since its genesis in 1996. The magical world of colorful pocket monsters living harmoniously with humans appears to be ‘E for Everybody’ on the surface, but what about the darker underbelly of society? A seemingly unregulated Food and Drug Administration has led countless scientists across the region to develop their own potions and elixirs in secluded woodland laboratories. Unfortunately, these drugs can be abused by the very Pokemon they were developed to help. Thankfully, natural evolution can help these little guys kick the habit! Here are the Pokemon evolutions that really sobered them up.
Gloom → Vileplume
It’s normal for the middle evolution to experiment with new experiences during their adolescence, but Gloom is zooted out of its bulb right now. I saw it doing bumps of poison powder in the PokeCenter bathroom. Talk about getting high on your own supply. Ironically, all this stoned weed needs to clean its act up is a Leaf Stone.
Golbat → Crobat
Jesus Christ, who invited Golbat? All that degenerate does is huff super repels and talk about some terrible screenplay it’s been working on. At least Crobat can take a hint and shut the fuck up.
Drowzee → Hypno
After years of abusing psychedelics, Drowzee looked around the front row of a Grateful Dead cover band concert and didn’t recognize a single face. Hypno kicked the habit and got his ass to the gym. Now he spends his days reading palms and dealing tarot cards to gullible tourists.
Psyduck → Golduck
Psyduck’s crippling anxiety has led to countless prescriptions for Valium, Klonopin, and Xanax. After being told by several mental health professionals that the dependency has turned into an addiction, Psyduck needed ulterior methods to get its hands (wings?) on the painkillers. What began as a harmless Amnesia on the lady behind the CVS counter soon snowballed into a life a petty crime. Robbing PokeMart’s and lying to Nurse Joys just to get a couple more pills. It took a brief stint in the Pokemon Correctional Facility upstate for Psyduck to evolve into the sober minded, zen headbutting, Golduck.
Vigoroth → Slaking
Vigoroth doesn’t have a “cocaine problem,” he just has an addictive personality and can stop whenever he wants. Luckily, Slaking traded the nose candy for the wacky tobacky. Now he’s addicted to arguing with strangers on Letterboxd about the ambiguity of Alex Garland’s “Civil War.”
Cubone → Marowak
Can you blame Cubone for getting addicted to drugs? It’s the only Pokemon that comes with pre-installed trauma. Sometimes we need to lose ourselves in grief in order to find the truth about the person we want to become.
Lombre → Ludicolo
Lotad had such potential until it evolved into Lombre, lost all motivation, and started smoking that dank tall grass. Now Lombre’s lazy ass won’t stop ordering rare candies on DoorDash while watching reruns of “Top Gear” on BBC. Ludicolo, on the other hand, has discovered spiritual enlightenment outside of drugs. Sporting a sombrero and a newfound love of mariachi music, Ludicolo brings joy and entertainment to town festivals across the region.
Espurr → Meowstic
“Damn, you good? I’ve never seen a bad Foongus trip like this before. Those eyes have seen things we can’t even begin to understand. Let’s get you some fresh water and a full heal, everything’s gonna be okay.”
Feebas → Milotic
Visually, Feebas is the only Pokemon that appears to be hooked on meth. The dark rings around its eyes shows it hasn’t slept in days, and the brown splotches on its skin shows the addict’s prioritization of getting high over anything else. Feebas is the poster child for local school’s anti-drug campaigns. “This is your brain on drugs” under a picture of Feebas is quite a compelling message. Let Milotic be an example for all of us to know that no matter how addicted one can become, there’s always hope you can evolve into a gorgeous supermodel overnight.
Magikarp → Gyarados
Can Magikarp get off its freeloading fins and make itself useful for once? Go ahead and keep splashing around in life and see where that gets you. Why can’t you be more like Gyarados? Take a long hard look at yourself and evolve! Otherwise, I’ll have to stick you in the Day Care until you’re 20.
