Pyramid schemes, or multi-level marketing scams, tend to prey on the most vulnerable members of society: the elderly, the naïve, the financially downtrodden — you name it. Pyramid schemes are no laughing matter. Unless of course you put it into the perspective of “what if this happened to Donkey Kong and his family,” which is exactly what we are about to do here.
#14 — Manky Kong
Manky Kong’s relation to the Kong family at-large is tenuous at best, but despite angrily throwing barrels at Donkey Kong and his Kong brethren, he still proudly bears the Kong family name. It’s unclear, however, if Manky Kong is capable of understanding human language. I feel like if you tried to sell him on Herbalife or Amway, he’d probably just grab a steel girder from a nearby construction site and bash you over the head with it. The man is absolutely unbreakable.
#13 — Candy Kong
You know what they say– you can’t con a con man, or in this case, a con woman… ape… beautiful lady. Remember that hot girl you went to high school with who you’re still friends with on facebook for some reason, even though you barely ever talked to each other? You know how she’s always posting about being a female entrepreneur, getting people involved in some “exciting new dietary supplement”? Yeah, that’s Candy Kong. You try and scam her, buddy, she’s already got your number. And by that I mean your social security number. Come on man, what were you thinking? She’s not gonna talk to you.
#12 — Swanky Kong
Brother, let me tell you, Swanky has been around the block. He’s seen it all, and if you try to sell him on some sort of Ponzi scheme, he’ll say “I want in”. He could be your greatest ally, your greatest enemy, or both at the same time. No matter what, he’s already got you wrapped around his little finger, just like one of his several pinky rings. He is truly the Bernie Madoff of the Donkey Kong universe — except he’ll never get caught.
#11 — Tiny Kong
Kids these days are pretty resourceful, not to mention internet savvy. If Tiny Kong were to come across a shady DM from someone trying to get her to invest in a new app, she’d block them on sight and put them on blast on TikTok. She’s got a huge following on there too, so it’s wise to tread lightly. I mean, look at her. She’s even got a crossbow and everything. Do not cross Tiny Kong.
#10 — Cranky Kong
Cranky may be an old timer, but he’s no easy mark. I heard the last time one of those door-to-door knife salesmen showed up to his porch trying to cut him in on a sweet deal, well, let’s just say he wasn’t the one leaving there cut. Cranky’s been around since before the times of MLMs– actually, he claims to have invented the original pyramid scheme, but can’t remember what it was. He’s sure to be a hard sell, but not impossible if you butter him up by telling him how cool he was in the original Donkey Kong arcade game. “Yeah, that Jump Man guy was a total wimp! By the way, have you thought about investing in one of our life insurance policies?”
#9 — Donkey Kong Jr.
DK Jr. is only a hard sell to fall for a pyramid scheme because, well, nobody knows what the heck happened to him! Seriously, he is effectively MIA. It’s possible he fell for some kind of scheme at some point after appearing in Mario Tennis and then… never again since then. Regardless, everyone here at Hard Drive sends out their thoughts and prayers for the little guy. He would have loved Metabolife™.
#8 — Funky Kong
Naturally, Funky Kong is pretty hip to what’s going on. But, he’s not always in the right state of mind. Funky Kong likes to stay up late, hanging out in his hut while toking up and watching video essays on YouTube. That being said, he did get an email from a so-called “Prince of Nigeria” once and replied to it, but blocked him the next morning once he woke up and had a laugh over what he almost did. Too close of a call for comfort– if caught at the wrong moment, Funky could potentially lose his entire life savings in one careless click.
#7 — Lanky Kong
Man, no matter how many times I hang out with this guy, I can never get a good “read” on him. Lanky Kong is always saying the most random stuff, and it’s never really funny, or even relevant to the conversation at hand. It completely sucks the air out of the room… just like a balloon. So for that reason alone, I would have to place him firmly in the middle of this list. I feel like people are going to try and get him to buy into some sketchy upstart or something, and then just give up because he’ll keep saying stuff like “I am teh spork of doom!”
#6 — Dixie Kong
Dixie has always been sort of a “I’m just along for the ride” kind of girl. DK got kidnapped? “Sure, I’m there.” DK got kidnapped again? “Yeah, I don’t have much else going on.” Want to invest in a revolutionary new vacation package? “Well, do I only have to recruit 10 new members to start seeing a profit? Sure, sign me up.” It’s not her greatest trait, but she is reliable at least.
#5 — Diddy Kong
Diddy is a tricky one. He’s both a great deceiver, yet completely gullible at the same time. Apparently he tricked an old lady into letting him “borrow her credit card” so he could buy “pencils” to do his “homework”. Really gross, honestly. But at the same time, his pal DK tends to be a bad influence on him in other ways, with the two of them falling for traps left and right, and constantly getting stuck inside of barrels. It goes without saying that when they’re together, they could easily fall prey to a multi-level recruitment plan.
#4 — Chunky Kong
Chunky Kong hasn’t been seen in a while and that’s because, well, he’s in debt. Like, a lot of debt. He’s a total meathead who bought into some workout supplement he saw Candy Kong post about on facebook, decided to become an “executive investor” in the company, and then one day everything just goes totally belly-up and disappears. And the worst part is, he only found out about this when his gym called him to tell him that his card was declined. Live and learn though, as Chunky is currently working a few part-time jobs to try and get his credit score back up. Maybe they’ll let him be in one of the new games then.
#3 — Kiddy Kong
The phrase “like taking candy from a baby” comes to mind here. Kiddy Kong is Chunky Kong’s younger brother, and well, let’s just say intelligence doesn’t exactly run in the family. All you’d have to do is jingle some keys in front of his face to get him to do your bidding. Just hope he doesn’t exert some freak level of strength on you by shattering your ribs with a single headbutt. Keep some bananas on hand, and you’ll keep this big baby happy and willing to give you his mom’s credit card number.
#2 — Donkey Kong
He may be the leader of the bunch, you may know him well, but this Kong’s one gullible guy. Yes, despite being the flagship mascot for his respective video game series, it’s safe to say a lot of things wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for DK’s poor leadership. I mean, this is the same guy who hid a giant banana hoard right below his house with a big sign labeled “KONG’S BANANA HOARD” on it, and then immediately got kidnapped not once, but twice, and needed to be bailed out both times. If King K. Rool came knocking at his door wearing a very unconvincing salesperson outfit, saying he had an opportunity for an “investment that would totally pay off in dividends in less than 6 months,” DK would sign his life away before he could even finish his pitch. It’s no surprise that Cranky thinks of him as his idiot grandson… or is it son? What’s going on there anyway?
#1 — Wrinkly Kong
Yes, we all saw it coming. Wrinkly Kong is an absolute mark for this sort of thing, and it keeps happening over and over again. Her family had to cancel her cable package because she kept buying into everything she saw on the Home Shopping Network, and even let “the nice neighbor boy” borrow her credit card so he could buy some “pencils” to do his “homework”. It’s a travesty, honestly, but thanks to the Kong family’s watchful eye, she’s lost power of attorney and the ability to sign off on anything without a witness present. But unfortunately, she keeps a secret stash of cash around that she won’t tell anyone the location of, and continues to recklessly spend it on trinkets, knick-knacks, and timeshare investments.
