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EVE Online Players’ Spouses Already Nervous About Stimulus Check

WASHINGTON — Spouses of EVE Online players are growing anxious after learning that the government was sending stimulus checks to Americans during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“I had the news on while we were both working from home,” said Lowell, Massachusetts resident Carly Booth, whose wife, Cristina Ruiz, is a longtime EVE Online player. “As soon as I heard the word ‘stimulus check,’ the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I went to check on Cris and she was already loading her online cart with Platinum Packs.”

Many EVE Online players, including Ruiz, have insisted that their spouses’ fears are overblown. 

“I’m not expecting the whole check to feed my habit,” she said. “But as long as we buy groceries at the dollar store and wear our winter clothes instead of heating the house, I can easily afford 15 thousand PLEX a month. Sadly though, the government isn’t providing us with the long term assistance we need to really deck our shit out the way we’d like to during this crisis.”

Other players said they were willing to draw a line in the sand, even with their partners. 

“The Ratfuck Conglomerate is counting on me to keep their wormhole gank-free,” said EVE Online veteran Marcelo Neves. “If I fail them I’ll be an outcast across all of New Eden forever. I mean, I can always get remarried.”

Amarrian Space Pope Max Singularity has offered online marriage counseling to couples who are affected by this issue, even if they don’t believe in his religious doctrine. 

“In this time of pandemics and financial disagreements, it’s important that I ensure these couples find a compromise that suits their finances and also ensures the game I am internet famous in never goes down,” he said.”

The EVE Online Development Team was unable to comment, as they were frantically working to release a new set of limited-edition ship SKINs on the same date the first checks drop.

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