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Esports Boyfriend on Being Dumped: “Sad, but the Correct Play”

BUFFALO, N.Y. —  Avid esports fan and horrendous amateur Halo player Emile Hernandez was dumped by his oft-neglected girlfriend Amy Sanford over the weekend in a move he dubbed tough, but soundly strategic. 

“It’s sad, but the correct play,” said Hernandez, through cracker-dry, bloodshot eyes and a strained voice. “I can’t fault her for that. Sometimes the roster just doesn’t click. I wish I could’ve clutched up for my duo, but honestly, with world’s qualifiers coming up I didn’t even really remember she existed. She was right to boot my ass.”

Sanford reportedly realized it was time to end things when she couldn’t even get Hernandez to spend time with her using his own interests.

“I’m literally a vastly popular Halo streamer,” she said. “But every time I asked him to play with me he’d just tell me there are no women on the top 8 teams, so it’d be pointless to squad up. Not only was that not the point, but he’s also dogshit at the game. Playing with him would have been excruciating! He doesn’t even know power weapons come back on a timer. He throws a sweat-drenched hissy fit every time someone else picks up a sniper cause he thinks it’s gone forever, then squeals in merriment like it’s feedin’ time in the pig pen every time it respawns. He’s got the memory of a dead goldfish. He really left me no choice.”

With Hernandez now single, his teammate, gamertag ‘Squirtzy,’ is looking forward to some quality practice.

“You know, usually your teammates would be happy when you get dumped, so you have more time to sink into the game,” he said. “But I don’t think that’s gonna matter for Emile. He already plays 20 hours a day and has shown zero signs of learning a single aspect of this game, so it’s whatever. Sometimes if we’re practicing in the same room we’ll just put up a YouTube video of OpTic Formal’s best plays on his monitor and unplug his controller. There’s no way that partnership of his was going to last.”

Love is blinding, especially for a video game. For Hernandez, his blindness may have lost him a lover, but hopefully he’ll gain the vision to be a quality teammate.