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Epic Claims They Could’ve Saved Those 900 Jobs if You’d Just Bought Some More Dances and Skins

CARY, N.C. — Following a layoff of nearly 20 percent of their staff, Epic Games, the creators of smash hit Fortnite, said the largest factor was you personally not buying more skins and dances, sources have confirmed. 

“Some are saying the reasons for these layoffs are exuberant CEO salaries and a series of reckless acquisitions we overspent on,” said Epic CEO and founder Tim Sweeney, shortly after announcing the layoffs. “But that’s not it at all. It’s your fault. You, the gamer reading this. When was the last time you brought something to this arrangement? We are modern Robin Hoods that stood up to Apple that one time and give you a bunch of free stuff, when was the last time you spent money on buying one of the hundreds of pre-existing character skins in our shops, each carrying a license we spent multiple employees’ salaries on acquiring!? Why don’t you buy one of the many dances we pilfered and changed just enough from online creators while you’re at it?! There was literally no other option we could see but to send over 800 employees, who just helped us have some of our most profitable years, into the chaos of joblessness in an already-crowded market.”

Gamers were saddened to learn of their hand in the recent layoffs. 

“Man, I figured it was the normal wave of executives punishing the people whose labor provide them their salary,” said local Chris Oliver. “But it turns out I should’ve really bought that John Wick skin instead of merely talking about how cool I thought it was. Now here I am with hundreds of people’s unemployment status on my conscious. That’s my bad, guys.” 

As of press time, when asked why Sweeney didn’t simply retain employees and cut the pay of executives responsible for poor fiscal planning, Sweeney made a verbal offer to purchase Hard Drive.