CARY, N.C. — Video game publisher Epic Games, Inc released a statement announcing that they would perform oral sex on any third-party developers who were willing to release their games on Epic’s digital distribution storefront.
“Fuck it, man, we’ll do whatever you want,” said Tim Sweeney, the company’s visibly agitated CEO, during a subsequent press conference. “Literally everything is on the table, and I mean everything. Spit on us. Use us and throw us out like tomorrow’s garbage, so long as you give us those sweet, sweet publishing rights, baby. That’s all mama wants. You don’t have to call us ‘mama’ either, unless that’s your thing. No judgments, here. Just give us your games.”
Many developers were cautiously optimistic about Epic’s new offer.
“I’m definitely going to take them up on it,” said Glenn Tyler, an indie developer who is set to release a roguelike shoot-em-up in the vein of Vampire Survivors. “Everyone on Reddit keeps saying it’s anti-consumer, but I don’t see it that way. I’m not going to change the price or anything, I’m just gonna blow my load all over Tim Sweeney’s face. I hope he has some windshield wipers on those skinny little glasses of his, because I have been stockpiling my seed for weeks.”
Epic’s competitors were caught off guard by the new strategy, but at least one rival claims it doesn’t change their outlook.
“Oh, sure, you can build up your storefront in a hurry if you’re not being picky,” said Phil Spencer, CEO of Microsoft Gaming. “I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, right? I’ll tell you why: because the cow isn’t producing the right kind of milk, and it’s not producing it quickly enough. You’ve gotta buy that cow and tell it exactly how to do things, and make sure that it doesn’t sell its milk on any other streetcorner. You don’t get that kind of control if you’re just going down on every cow and bull you run into, which I’m sure Epic will figure out soon enough.”
At press time, Tim Sweeney was seen laughing way too hard at an indie developer’s terrible joke while leaning in to rest a hand on his chest.
