AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO Elon Musk has rejected a redesign for a more efficient battery, arguing that it would make the cars, “too soy,” sources confirm.
“Teslas are not for everyone. A Tesla should make their driver feel like Evel Knievel. You should go from enjoying a Sunday drive to Ghost Rider in a matter of seconds,” Musk stated at a recent X (formerly known as Twitter) town hall. “These cars were never made for wimps who just want to get to their destination. It’s the most woke thing I could think of honestly. These leftist cuck engineers need to go home and leave the manufacturing of these cars for those with some balls.”
Musk’s fans have come out to defend Elon’s recent statements.
“I didn’t buy a Tesla because I wanted a normal car. I bought a Tesla so I can practice my bomb defusal skills,” said Freddy Page, member and founder of the Greater Providence Tesla Owners Facebook group. “Do you think the Cybertruck was designed like that to look cool? Shows what you know. It was made so that the driver could feel like a loaf of bread being baked once the battery decides to go off.”
These sentiments have not been shared by every Tesla owner.
“I think it’s reasonable to want a car to…you know…not explode because the battery gets too hot,” said one recent Tesla purchaser who wished to remain anonymous. “Like, I don’t actively want to kill pedestrians, you know? I want an auto-pilot that will actually, like, pilot. Auto-style.”
At press time, Musk released a poll on X (formerly Twitter) asking what customers would prefer in a car. Six percent of respondents indicated that they wanted a big-dicked Tesla with a battery that will allow you to experience what it’s like to be on Venus, while 94% preferred a leftist soyboy sedan that could get you from Point A to Point B.
