WASHINGTON — After terminating the jobs of thousands of U.S. government workers, Elon Musk has reportedly extended dozens of offers to impregnate those he fired, confused sources confirmed.
“I got laid off last week from my job in the department of Agriculture and figured, well, that was the end of that,” said Stacie Lorin, a 27-year-old from Duluth, Minnesota. “But yesterday I saw a message in the inbox of my personal email from some account called [email protected] with the subject line ‘A special offer just for you.’ I thought it was spam, but clicked it anyway because honestly who cares at this point. Turns out it wasn’t spam—it was a video that Elon Musk recorded on his phone asking me by name if I’d consider ‘bearing his next child.’”
Lorin is one of at least 28 former Federal employees to receive such messages, which also include a custom QR code that links to a form for scheduling a “pre-impregnation biometrics analysis” at the nearest Neuralink office. Another offer recipient, Alayna Nguyen, described the appointment.
“I went to some office park in the middle of nowhere and they asked me to fill out a questionnaire asking for lots of very personal and very weird information. Like if I’ve ever been to space before and what shoe size my feet are,” said Nguyen. “When a guy in a surgical mask walked in carrying a tray with a huge syringe filled with blue liquid, I decided this was all just too much for me and booked it out of there.”
While Musk could not be reached for comment, a representative for DOGE said they were “not aware” of these offers.
“We’re focused on cutting excessive Government spending, point blank period. In fact, to date we’ve already saved U.S. taxpayers more than like 4.8 trillion dollars, give or take a few trillion dollars,” said spokesperson Vince Pollardi between rips of his vape. “If Elon is actually sending these messages, which I’m not saying he is, then I’m sure there is a strong fiscal case for them and the American people will benefit immensely. And honestly, who wouldn’t want to have a kid with a handsome genius billionaire?”
At press time, exactly zero of the impregnation offers had been accepted.
