Press "Enter" to skip to content

Elon Musk Keeps Asking Tesla Engineers to Make Cars More Like ‘Twisted Metal’

AUSTIN — Tesla CEO Elon Musk hopes to take the next model in a radical new direction, demanding his engineers develop a vehicle inspired by the car combat franchise Twisted Metal. 

“I think the new models are going to really make people excited,” Musk said about the car, which engineers have reportedly not started work on. “Excited and terrified. You’ve seen how cool the cyber truck is, now imagine if it had flame throwers on the sides. Is Ford making that? I don’t think so. Of course, all of the munitions will be eco-friendly. People already say I’m a clown, but now it’s time to really become one!” 

Despite Musk’s enthusiasm, not everyone at Tesla is as confident about the bold new direction.

“Elon told me to put a giant, flaming clown head on the new cyber trucks,” said one engineer, who asked to remain anonymous. “When I asked him why, he said he was a Sweet Tooth main, whatever that means. Then he asked if we could make a car that was just two giant wheels with slots for a man’s arms. So now we’re figuring out how that works.”

Some have raised ethical concerns about the militaristic nature of these changes, particularly given Tesla’s controversial self-driving AI technology.

“We had to teach the AI to play Twisted Metal 2 and the results were terrifying,” a former Tesla AI architect claimed. “The AI no longer saw other cars as traffic. It marked them as enemy combatants and tried to destroy them by any means necessary. The worst part is, the AI was really good at killing people. Way better than it’s ever been at driving. I don’t think humanity will survive if these things are unleashed. We’re all doomed! Doomed!”

When confronted with employee concerns, Elon Musk laughed maniacally and asked to be called Calypso.

We\'re giving away 50 Hard Drive t-shirts and other merch items to Patrons this week.
Become a patron at Patreon!