WYNNEWOOD, Okla. — Local Big the Cat owner and G.W. Zoo founder, Joe Exotic, insists that there is absolutely nothing inhumane about keeping a large anthropomorphic purple cat living in a cage, according to those close to him.
“Big the Cat is a beautiful creature,” said Joseph Allen Maldonado-Prower who prefers to go by Joe Exotic. “Sure maybe he does belong back in his natural environment, but he was brought here by Chaos Control. Do you know how hard it would be to assemble the Chaos Emeralds and send him back? Impossible. This is the next best thing for Big the Cat. People pay to see him and take pictures with him, then we use that money to keep him fed and so the lights stay on.”
“Hey, we’ve put more into our setup than that bitch Amy Rose has done for her animals,” he added. “Did you know she killed her husband, Sonic?”
Others working with the zoo owner were not as quick to agree that Big the Cat had been getting the best treatment he could possibly get.
“I came on as Joe’s business partner in 2016,” said Las Vegas playboy and evil genius, Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik. “Joe had an okay operation going on here, but Big the Cat had not been treated to the highest degree. Can you believe Joe had been feeding him expired echidna meat off a truck? Maybe next time just work with your own OC.”
Dr. Robotnik has a troubled past of his own with four outstanding warrants for his arrest in Las Vegas — one of which is for sneaking baby chaos stuffed in suitcases into his hotel suites.
“I was pretty messed up when I was married to Joe,” explained Joe Exotic’s ex-husband, Miles Prower. “Joe liked to call me Tails because he was always grabbing my behind. He was messed up himself too. In order to make room for Big the Cat, Joe had shot and killed a perfectly healthy Vector the Crocodile. It was horrible.”
At press time, Joe Exotic had been sentenced to 22 years for violating the Endangered Anthropomorphic Species Act and for the murder-for-hire of Amy Rose. A limited series based on the bizzare underworld of private anthropomorphic zoos and sanctuaries is now streaming on Netflix and has already inspired an alarming amount of erotic fanart.
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