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EA Scientists Announce Groundbreaking Discovery of Nanotransactions

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — Behemoth video game company Electronic Arts has announced a new technology to extract a constant, tiny influx of money from gamers in exchange for an improved gaming experience.

“Gaming changed when developers learned how to leech money from gamers after the initial purchase of a game. We at EA have found a way to take things even further: nanotransactions,” explained EA’s Head of R&D Jeff Kinsey. “Gamers simply link their workplace’s direct deposit through us, and we take a few cents per paycheck, forever. It’s such a small amount, they could almost forget we’re even doing it—in fact, that’s exactly what we’re counting on.”

EA also announced that nanotransactions would come with a more limited set of benefits.

“In return for the payments, we’re developing a way to give gamers even less than we already do. In fact, they will have to register for nanotransactions just to make the gaming experience tolerable,” said Kinsey, triggering a massive spike in the stock price for Electronic Arts. “Want Dead Space to run at the full 120fps on your PS5? Give us that routing and account number, bitch.”

The gaming community expressed hesitation at the prospect of being asked even more frequently to pay for in-game services.

“We’re being nickel-and-dimed left and right, but what’s the alternative? I just want to play FIFA after work,” sighed lifelong gamer Phoebe Jackson. “So I caved and granted EA full access to my 401(k), which is considered a valid payment scheme for nanotransactions. They take money out each month, I get hit with a 10% penalty, and now NHL 23’s soundtrack isn’t limited to just Limp Bizkit’s ‘Hot Dog’ on repeat. I’m never going to own a home.”

Immediately after the announcement, every single indie game was listed at 95% off on Steam.