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EA Employees Nervously Update Resumes After Company Reports Strong Quarter

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — Staff at Electronic Arts are reportedly anticipating layoffs after the company reported strong financials during the first quarter of the fiscal year, anxious employees confirmed.

“I heard the higher-ups were bragging about the company’s performance in the last quarter,” said Megan Harper, a senior developer in the EA Sports division. “We all know what comes after that: they’ll turn around and tell us working chumps that times are tough, and we all have to tighten our belts. The word “inflation” will be repeated until it sounds like gibberish. All of that adds up to me looking for a new job in a few months. Then the execs will increase their own compensation and give themselves bigger bonuses. The weird part is that this also happens after a weak quarter. I should have gone to business school.”

Andrew Wilson, the CEO of EA, says that the company’s excellent performance has no bearing on any potential upcoming staffing changes.

“Sure, I just informed our investors that we’ve brought in a truly astounding amount of revenue this quarter,” said Wilson. “That’s absolutely true. If I go on to tell our employees that difficult times are ahead, and we need to cut weight and become more agile, that’s not a contradiction. It’s not a lie, either. Times will be tough for all of those developers once they’re out of work. They should really try to become more agile.”

Financial analyst Michael Gorman said this type of cycle is natural to the gaming industry.

“Of course, it’s all standard practice,” said Gorman. “Whether you’ve had a terrible quarter, mediocre quarter, or made record profits, the next step is to lay off a huge chunk of your staff. If things were bad, then obviously they were to blame. If things were great, then they’re just a bunch of worthless leeches who are unfairly sucking up money that could be going towards buying yourself a new yacht. It always works out great — just look at how well Konami has done since they got rid of all of their dead weight.”

At press time, Andrew Wilson was seen rubbing chili powder into his eyes before starting a company-wide video call.