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Dry Bones Defending Bowser’s Castle Just Wants to Make It Home in 206 Pieces

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A Dry Bones nearing the end of his second tour of duty is reportedly just focused on making it home safe and sound in 206 pieces if that’s what it takes, sources have confirmed. 

“I don’t even care what happens to me,” said the Dry Bones in question. “Mail my parts back home in a box. Hell, mail my parts home in 200 boxes, I don’t care! My wife will know what to do as far as opening all the boxes and putting my parts all next to each other. I just hope I don’t fall down some pit or get devoured by a Yoshi and turned into a fireball. I think I’m done for if any of that happens? I’m not sure, scientists actually can’t figure out that much about us. They don’t know shit about why we resurrect and stuff like that. I just really want to make it home, one piece or not.” 

Mushroom Kingdom scientists confirmed that not a lot is known about the Dry Bones and their connection to life eternal. 

“It’s the damndest thing,” said Dr. Scott Bartholomew, an anthropologist that’s studied Dry Bones specimens in the past. “These are beings with absolutely otherworldly power, and yet, they’re often dispatched to some of the easiest assignments Bowser has, like guarding pipes that don’t even do anything sometimes. We should probably be studying these guys and doing everything we can to utilize their immortality and all that. But as it is, we’re losing a lot of them to things like lava and bottomless pits. An awful lot. A lot of them have been asked to be transferred over to the baseball team, but sadly, there’s just not that many spots.” 

As of press time, Bowser solemnly arrived at the Dry Bones’ home, with a folded flag and bouquet of fire flowers.